All That Jazz

Closing 2007

2008-01-02T15:44:00.000+08:00

2007 has been a good year for me... with my new space it brought with it new faces and new found sense of happiness...

thanks for the great run..

Melancholy

2007-08-19T22:54:00.000+08:00

Have you ever had one of those days that for no reason at all you feel so down? That your outlook on life changes for just those 24 hours into something dreadful and unbearable that you just want to curl up under the sheets and never come out?

I'm having one of those days

It didnt start out that way, ironically. Actually, I was pretty chipper in the morning after a weekend of fun in the sun. But the minute I stepped foot into my house, this wave of heavy-heartedness crashed over me and it hasnt lifted since.

Its a combination of guilt, post-holiday blues, loneliness... just everything you can think of. At the moment I dont think I can elaborate on that. I'm feeling weepy again. I've cried twice since I got home and I doubt it'll be the last for the night.

I only hope that my dreams will carry these feelings away.

Goodnight to you.

Garden Variety

2007-08-13T12:38:00.000+08:00

So here's the story,

When I was a kid, my parents planted it in my head that I was a blood type AB. I know this isnt exactly something interesting to write about but hey, it happened in my life today and I'm writing it! So get with the programme! Anyway, yes... My mom's a B and Dad's an A. So 'logically' my sister and I would have to be ABs.

Throughout school, whenever the teacher would discuss bloodtypes I would always beam proudly about the fact that I was an AB. The fact that AB was the universal receiver made me even more overjoyed. It diminished my worries that if anything should happen to me and I lost blood, I wouldnt have to worry about blood clots cause AB can take in any bloodtypes Poor O though, it can only share blood with fellow Os.

Also, given the fact that my parents say that I'm always taking from people, never giving, never generous, the fact that I am an AB enforced it more.

So a couple of months ago, my sister had a medical done on her and discovered that instead of an AB she was just an A.. my mom's reaction was "YOU TOOK AFTER HIM?!" But still, I hadnt done my own, so I was still type Undecided.

Leaving for the UK though, I have to perform a throrough medical check up so I went it on Thursday. From the immediate report, Doc said that I was okay. Healthy. Everything was normal. Phew! But when I asked her what bloodtype I am she said that that'll only come in on Monday, i.e. today. Waiting anxiously for my report I tried to predict what it would say.

This morning I went to go pick up my report and after I waited for what seemed like forever, cause they couldnt find my report, I finally got it and scanned through the pages to see what I was. I found it soon enough.

I'm an O.

WHAT THE?!

I'm the universal DONATOR?! It's simply unexpected. I was laughing in the car. So much for being selfish to the point of donating blood. I rushed home and called my sister and her reaction was,

"You weird. But then again, this proves that you're adopted"

Yeah yeah whatever..

So there you have it ladies and gents, I am a garden variety O.

Blood anyone?

Aging Adorably

2007-08-08T21:11:00.000+08:00

Have you ever heard of the term aging gracefully? Well, if you haven't, it basically means the ability to cope with aging without any 'refreshing' (i.e. plastic surgery) whilst maintaining one's dignity and honour. For women especially. But let's face it, a person who hasn't gone through some physical enhancement is harder to find in the world than trying to find a dodo bird. Okay la, that might be an exaggeration... more like trying to find an honest second-hand car salesman... yes, that's better...

Anyway, here I'm introducing a new concept: Aging Adorably

I have to admit that aside from my late paternal Grandparents, I have next to nothing contact with elderly folks. Although, it's got nothing to do with being averse to it, actually, I rather like spending time with the elderly. The stories they tell you, the memories they share, the jokes they throw out (especially my mom's uncle, Tok Ucu, and aunt, Nenek.. Ooooohhh... especially Nenek), it's just so enlightening that I'd prefer their company to some of the people I know.

The idea that sprouted the concept was very simple in origin. I was out having dinner with my sister and friends of mine when I noticed this long table, consisting of a rather large family that included a Granpa. Clearly, with nothing better to do but to wait for my dinner, I began to pay more attention to this old man. Then I noticed something I broke out in laughter. Needless to say, my sister's assumptions that I was short of 50cents in the head, was more than justified.

"What's so funny?" my friend asks me
"That old guy is soooooo cute!" I reply, still giggling
My sister looks at me funny
"Iman, I know you're at that age where hormones... you know... but why are you ogling an old dude?"
"Ewwwww" I reply enthusiastically "Not like that la, Kak Nik"
Then I laugh some more
"Old people are so cute!" I say in between breaths "They eat with their whole face!"
The whole table turns to look.

You should've seen this guy. Imagine a wrinkly old face, chewing on something, with his whole face moving... Eating with his whole face la! It was so cute!!

I then realized that while some age gracefully, most people age adorably. So don't fret all of you physically conscious people, aging adorably is I must say a wonderful thing. I still think about that old man. Hope he's got more adorable endeavours ahead of him...

Koyak

2007-08-05T22:32:00.000+08:00

First of all, to those unfamiliar with the word, koyak is Malay for tear. Not the crying tear... the crakkkkkkkkkk there-goes-your-four-hundred-dollar-outfit tear.

This is gonna be a short one...

Also note: Julia* is the daughter of my mother's friend who's been studying in the UK for not more than 2 years. She's also somewhat.... well.... you'll see for yourself

A little more than an hour ago
Setting : Sister and I were on our way home from dropping something off at her friend's house. Traffic on our usual route home was terrifyingly bad. As usual, she and I settled into a very comfortable conversation in the car.

Sister : Mama said that Julia was speaking English with a little sho sheh sho sheh (i.e. a Brit accent). I BET you it's not real
I look puzzled
Sister : You see, for an English accent to work, you need good grammar. And Julia does NOT have good grammar
Me : Really? I mean, I've never spoken to her in proper English before so...
My sister shakes her head profusely
Me : Yeah, but that's true, you do need good grammar to pull off an accent
Sister : Yeah, if not, it'll just be BAD.... macam koyak!

Roughly translated, she said that without grammar, an English accent is torn apart! To put it more bluntly...

"If ever you have the urge to put on an English accent, please, please, PLEASE, (and I cant stress that enough!) make sure that your grammar is virtually perfect, otherwise you'll just butcher the language. I MEAN IT!"

So yes, from now on, for those who know me, keep in mind that I shall refer to these, as above demonstrated, people as Koyaks.

Maybe you should try it...

Ha Ha.

*name has been changed to protect person's dignity

the Rose

2007-07-29T09:53:00.000+08:00

These are the lyrics to the song, the Rose by Westlife, but originally sung by Bette Midler. For all of us who've loved and lost but want to love again...

Some say love it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love it is a hunger
An endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and You it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
and The soul afraid of dying
That never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and You think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed
That with the sun's love
In the spring
Becomes the rose

Where Art Thou Mr Darcy?

2007-07-25T12:51:00.000+08:00

What is it about heroes in romantic novels that make our hearts flutter? Aside from the fact that most of these novels are created by women and thus they cater to everything we desire in men.. why are they so... well... perfect? I can honestly say that 98% of women who've read Pride and Prejudice (myself included) consider Mr Darcy the benchmark of every man they'll date. It's not just the looks I assure you, but his charisma is so magnetic that you have no choice but to be drawn towards it. Is this why women like me are shot down constantly by men because we set our standards too high? Is it impossible to have our own Mr Darcy in this day and age?

Apart from classic romantic novels, I have also read a lot (no joke) of romance novels and let me tell you, it ain't that different from the classics. Okay, except for the fact that there are saucy bits in the latter. But the one thing that they both have in common is the fact that for a guy, its difficult to admit that they've fallen in love (at least the ones worth falling in love with) but once they do, they devote themselves completely to this one girl. Throw in the occasional protectiveness and Ta-Da.. a girl's ultimate dream guy. So when I look at the men in the world today I cant help but be a little disappointed (that's an understatement, by the way). The ones that are aloof, charismatic, etc. are always full of themselves, and unfortunately for me, it's these men that I find most attractive. God damn it! Gone were the days that they were chivalrous, selfless, and strong... only to be replaced by ego, chauvinism, and self-absorbency. Oh not to mention that they have this tendency to be rakes.

If you share my passion for romance novels you'd know what a rake is. For those of you who dont, look it up on http://www.dictionary.com/. And no, it's not an instrument you use to gather leaves. Anyway, it's common knowledge among romance novel readers that "Reformed rakes make the best husbands" Notice that I've highlighted 'reformed'. No guy in their right mind would reform their rakish ways. I mean, c'mon, why settle for one when you can have many, right? So where does it leave the optimistic, hopeful women of the world.. Nowhere. They've been cheated of their chance at a wonderful life with their perfect life partner.

So yes, I think I've made it clear why modern women still want a Mr Darcy. I mean, if we've got no chance whatsoever in finding true love, let us at least have the fantasy of him. But to be fair, girls, Mr Darcy isnt real. And if we keep on expecting to find one, we might just throw away our chance at being our own Elizabeth Bennet and find our distinctly unique Mr Darcy. After all, even she didnt expect to fall in love with him.

But as a closing statement to men: Occasionally trying to mimic Darcy can take you a long way, just in case you havent guessed, women like that sort of thing...

Another Strike Against Singles (eligible for Females only)

2007-07-23T21:40:00.000+08:00

After saying "so long, farewell" to the life of relationships, I've more than willingly embraced the idea of being single. In fact, I preach the wonders of this non-coexistent state to my friends. Luckily for me, most of my friends ARE happy and single, so there isnt really much to preach. You can practically imagine the anti-male conversations we have over lunch or dinner..

However, if I were to express my ideas to some old-school mak cik, aunty, or datin, I'd probably shock them beyond redemption or worse.. Their idea of the 'perfect' life for good young girls is for them to marry, reproduce, and feed everyone, the third criteria being optional depending on how she looks. Personally, I think this idea is somewhat outdated. Women of that generation still believe that women have no other purpose in life but to serve their families and their husbands. What they dont realize that the world has changed in the last 30 years. Women are now able to shine and succeed in a man's world. We are dynamic and versatile.

But let's get to the point shall we..

Another strike against singles is the fact that : We incur more taxes..

Yes, singles have to pay higher taxes that married ones... What do you think about this?

Here's my perspective from a woman's point of view..

For men, being single is a choice. Of course, the bare idea that a man is single because there's something wrong with them is inconceivable! HAH! Boy, aren't they misled.. No, but for women, there are always reasons why she's single... and none of them are because she chose to be so... Some of them include, physical deficiencies, lack of interest (frigid, if you pardon the language), etc.. the list goes on believe me..

I recall an incident not too long ago... the previous Hari Raya to be precise.. Naturally, there was a to-do at my house, but for this year, we had an extra visitor, a person whom previously I've never met.. She was the second of my late uncle's four wives whom he left after begging her to break an engagement to another man. She'd never had any children of her own. On this occasion, she brought one of her recently married stepdaughters to the house and with her were a couple of wedding photos of her stepson's recent wedding.

Somehow or another we got to the topic of marriage, and while my family including extended family, have never been against the idea of my sister and I that we dont plan to marry, this Aunty gasped in horror! Her voice even dropped to a whisper... Long story short, she insisted that we should marry, that it was our 'responsibility' to marry.. WHAT THE?! This was coming for a woman who was ditched by her husband!

So basically, apart from being looked down upon by the public, we have to pay higher taxes too..

Oh how unfair life is...

Strained Familial Bonds

2007-07-17T22:48:00.000+08:00

Ever since I was a child, I've always known that my family was different. Not in a weird way but different nonetheless. And I also acknowledged that every family is different in their own way, that their little quirks make them unique. I cant tell you the amount of times I've wished I was in another family and I'm sure that if you were true to yourself, you'd admit that you have too. It's human nature to want something that we presume is better than what we have. But as I've grown older ( I wont use the word 'matured'.. dont know whether I'll ever be that! ) I've come to accept my family the way it is, and to tell you the truth, I wouldnt change it for the world. The lame ass jokes passed at the table and every other place you can think of, the rantings and screaming, everything... and it gets even better when I think about my extended family. Take what I've told you and amplify it by 10, and there you have my extended family..

However, as I slowly approach my departure to the UK which will probably signal the beginning of my adult life, I've come to realise that there is one relationship that I will never truly understand when it comes to those in my family. Its an age old conflict honestly, the legendary conflict between mother and daughter.

I often reminisce about the times when I was much younger, a toddler practically, when my mother and I used to be so close and I used to adore her with all my heart. There was no qualms about that. But it seemed that the moment I began to talk was the moment I began to talk back.
For a mother I'm sure, there's nothing more hurtful than having your daughter talk back to you, especially when you think about all the love and care you've given them their entire lives... the amount of time spent to make sure that they'd have all the attention they'd ever need, only to have it spat back in your face with each angered word uttered from their mouths.

I've regretted all those times in my life that I made my mother cry. In fact, I'm shedding a couple of tears myself as I'm writing this. I hate myself for causing her so much pain, so much sorrow that I sometimes feel that if I left her completely, she'd be better off. But in that sense, I guess I'm selfish... Cause I still need her... I still need that same Mommy who gave up her good night sleep when I used to cry at night and take up her space on her bed... my Mommy who used to read to me every night before I went to sleep... Mommy who used to cry whenever I got sick.. my Mommy who used to kiss the cuts from my falls... my Mommy who gave me the best of everything... the Mommy who gave up her dreams so I could have mine...

I'm not going to mince words here, in the past few months since I finished high school I've been the bane of her existance. And even before that, I've always pushed her to limits that I myself, if I had a child like me would've long given up on. But all the while, between and throughout the yellings and the occasional whackings, she's never stopped loving me. That's a mother's love for you. It never gives up. It never questions itself. It never stops... A mother's love never runs dry... Till the day she dies, a mother will always love her children. Always.

Even more recent still, I've been spending a lot of time with my ex's family. And while you think that I think that you're stupid to believe that I'm doing this for know ulterior motive.. you better believe it. I knew that ship sailed a long time ago and while yeah, I do dwell on it sometimes, it does not dictate my actions. Fast forward to barely a half hour ago, my mother accused me of 'attaching' myself to the family for the sole purpose of bagging him. If only she knew the truth. The past months of arguments and debates have taught me that the best thing to do when she's mad is to shut up and listen. So that's what I did... except for defending myself from the boy-bagging accusation, I didnt say a word.

I know it was my fault. I shouldnt have spent the whole day out like that. It was my mistake. But hey, everyone makes mistakes right?

The thing is, how do I tell my mom that the reason why I spend a lot of time with them is because with them, I can say how I feel and know that I wont be judged? With the exception of my sister, there is no one in my family who I can really talk to. And even with my sister, sometimes I just need someone to listen... I dont want them to explain to me why everything happens.. I just need someone to talk to to sympathize... While I realise that self-sympathy is the first step to self-destruction, sometimes you need it... just to have a good cry...

So yeah, with that family, I can talk to Aunty about my problems, my arguments with my mom and she listens to it with an open mind. She doesnt critisize me for going against my mother nor does she encourage it. She has sort of become my calming source. Also, with them I can voice my opinions without worrying about being shot down. More often than not, I always get teased in my family cause I really am the odd one out. And while once it awhile it's okay, sometimes I want to be heard... want to be accepted. I want them to talk with me, as opposed to talk TO me. But I've been unfortunate in my life not to have that.

I want more than anything to tell my mom about my life. I really do, I want her to be a big part of my life, but how can that be when she scolds me whenever I open up to her? Since I secondary school, I've never shared with my mom the ups and downs of my life. Especially the downs. She didnt know about the pain I felt when I was ostracized in school... never knew tears I shed when I was humiliated in front of all my peers... never knew the heart-wrenching sorrow when I loved and lost... She never knew any of this. And while I want her to know all of this, I know that I am the first one she'll blame for everything. I know that most of these things, were indeed my fault, but I need my mom to tell me that everything's going to be okay. She's seen so many things in her life that I'd wish she'd share with me on a more friendly plane. I want to hear hear advice on dating, I want to know how she got over lost love, I want to know how it felt for her when she fell in love... but alas, she and I will never be close as we once were.

When I was young I used to tell my mom everything. From the time when I refused to dance in kindergarten to the time that boy tried to kiss me, also in kindergarten, after which I boxed him. I couldnt wait to tell her everything that happened in my life but somehow, throughout the years, we drifted apart.

I'm leaving for UK soon and during more spiteful moments I'd wish that I could leave sooner and never come back. But I know that no matter what happens between my mother and I, I'll always love her. I may not show it from all the times that I've broken her heart but whether she knows it or not, it broke my heart too whenever I watched her turn away from me when I really needed a shoulder to cry on.

I want to be able to apologize to her without being taunted. I want to run to her and hug her whenever I need her. I want her to accept me for all my faults and to be able to tell me that everything will be okay when it might not not seem like it will. I want a friend in my mother. That's all I ever wanted.. that's all I'll ever want.

I havent stopped crying since I began writing this. Nothing at all from self-pity or hatred towards my mother.. but rather hatred towards myself and the regrets that I've accumulated. I cant imagine living without my mother for even though I havent been able to share things with her, I know that she's never given up on me. Loved me unconditionally. And I know that she'll always bail me out of a sticky situation even when I deserve it.

To Mama:

Mommy, I want to show you this someday and have you cry with me. I've missed my Mommy who used to kiss me and hug me even when I did something wrong. I really wanted to tell you everything I've faced in my life. About having my first boyfriend only to have him break my heart. Everything. But I guess the time isnt right just yet... but no matter what I've said or done in the past, I hope that you'll forgive me and still love me. I know it's not something easy to do, I havent exactly made it simple for you but how could I when I have all this hidden things from you.

I want to hug and kiss you Mommy before it's too late. I want to love you without holding back.

I love you, Mommy. I love you so much, you'll never know. I'm sorry for the things I've done.

I love you. I love you, Mommy. I always will.

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are grey
You'll never know Mom
How much I love you
Please dont take my sunshine away..

You used to sing this to me all the time Mama when I was young. I wonder why you stopped singing it. But you're my sunshine, Mama... please dont go away...

Inspired by Maroon 5

2007-07-13T10:38:00.000+08:00

As the title of this post suggests, this poem was insipired by the song Better That We Break by Maroon 5 which as rapidly become one of my most favourite songs of all time...

This is what I've written...

How do I explain the way I feel?
When you stand close to me
I see your face looking away
Wondering how to make you stay
Because you belong to another
Why should I even bother?

I hear your words when you speak
But I listen to your voice instead
I love how it washes over me
Blurring all else that I see
It wraps my heart in total bliss
I’d give anything to always feel like this

You never look at me when we talk
Don’t know how much that hurts me
Are you imagining another in my place?
Is that why you turn away from my face?
I know I’m not perfect as she
But can’t you accept me as me?

We used to laugh together a lot
But not anymore it seems
Why the change of heart?
Time has more than torn us apart
My heart cries to you but you dont hear
You never do, not even when you’re near

It pains me to say this
Realizing how weak it show me to be
But I cant leave you in my past
Not today, no, not that fast
Still when will ever stop loving you?
God, if only I knew…

Till then I guess I’ll live in my misery
Knowing you will never come back to me
For to you, I am but a distant memory
Of what was not meant to be.

Content to Wait

2007-07-09T17:05:00.001+08:00

Dear True Love,

Gosh, it's been a long time hasnt it? I really hope you havent gotten any bad news since I last wrote to you. But if there has been, I'm sure you'll pull out fine, I know that you're strong enough to get through anything... and if all else fails, when we finally meet, you can talk to me about it, and we can excorcise those haunting demons of yours. I promise to listen to everything you have to say and even though you might not agree with my opinions or ideas just listen to them... you never know, I might have some common sense in me after all...

It's funny, you know.. I've been thinking a lot about you lately, but somehow, the feelings are different. I mean, the hope and love of course is still there, but perhaps the urgency not so much anymore. I used to pray everyday that I'd find you ASAP, that I'd finally find the other half of my soul but... I dont know... it's been different. Sure, I still want to meet you... duhhh... but I'm willing to wait. In the past few months, I've learned a lot about myself that whilst making me more aware for the cruelty of the world, makes me overwhelmingly.... content... and sometimes, pretty darn happy.

I know you'll probably think that I've FINALLY lost it, then again you might not... you might actually understand me better than anyone else ever had... ever will... isn't that what True Love is all about?

So I guess what I'm saying is... I can wait.

2007 has brought new friends, friends who I would've never thought I would meet much less like, shown me that a person's worth is much more than who they're with, but rather the clarity and sparkle of their own personality. It's taught me that friendship is not about the good times enjoyed, but instead the bad times shared. And that love is more than hallmark cards on birthdays, more than flowers on bad days, more than presents at Christmas, more than chocolates on Valentine's Day, it's the knowledge that you can look at someone at trust them with your life and know, that there is no one else in the world that you can spend the rest of your life with.

With this breakthrough, you cant very well expect me to settle, can you? That's another thing about me that you should know... I never settle... which is why I'm still looking for you, innit? I only want the best, and you're the best for me. But yeah, dont rush yourself, I'm enjoying life and so should you

Life is too short to be wasted on sorrow... go out, enjoy yourself! and who knows, maybe I'll be there to share a laugh or two...

With All the Love and Happiness in My Heart,

Your True Love

It's Not So Bad

2007-06-21T18:06:00.001+08:00

I freely admit that I began this year assuming that it was going to be one of the worst years of my life. The year I'd lose my friends, the year I'd flunk high school, the year where my future begins to take a nosedive into oblivion. But I guess, so far, I've been delightfully suprised. Sure, I've lost a couple of friends but I've made some new ones too. And perhaps I didnt do too well for SPM but you know what, it's done and over with, and if I was perfectly honest with myself, I'd say my results werent TOO BAD. But yeah, I was disappointed. Couldve done better.

Anyway...

Yeah, up till today, 2007 has been a very good year for me. Learned a couple of things. Met new people. Gained new experiences. Became slightly more independent. Mustered the courage to stand up for the things I believed in.

Oh yeah, must not forget a crucial thing.... I GOT MY DRIVER'S LICENSE!! woo hoo!

2007 has let me grown up... slowly preparing me for adulthood, by teaching me about coping with past failures. In all aspects of life. It's opened my eyes to the beauties in life that I thought could not, WOULD NOT, exist in the world. Made me into a better person in some ways. But it's too soon to tell whether my year will continue its course or will it make a 180 and let me plunge to my ultimate doom.

No matter, till then, I'll learn more things that'll hopefully put off the doom thing... permanently. Life is about learning. I know that now.

Thank you, God.

Oh yes, almost forgot. Today's Abang's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ABANG! We'll love you no matter what happens...

Maybe I've Grown Up... Just a Little

2007-06-15T19:12:00.000+08:00

"I dont want to friend you anymore!"

Back in kindie, and even up to my earlier years in primary school, these words were considered taboo. It marked the end of a shared seat at break, a partner to line up with during assembly, a friend in class... Oh yes, this was the harshest sentence any kid could inflict on another kid. Most Malaysian kids would know this but perhaps we needed reminding

I remember in kindie, my mother had such a hard time trying to get me to go to school that she would send me earlier to make up for the time she'd take to haul me out of the car and through the door. After awhile, during which I made a couple of friends, I became easier to handle. My grip on the gates loosened and I didnt resist so much when she'd drag me to the door.

I grew up a little.

Most of us consider growing up as the transition from childhood to being an adult, that it's something we see physically or a change in someone that is so visible. But I think, not a day goes by that each of us grows up just a little bit. For one reason or another, we learn things everyday that will slowly mould us into a different person than we started out that day. Learning is not just finding out something that we've never known before, sometimes its about finally understanding or appreciating something we knew or had all our lives.

Growing up is also about being able to forgive someone without any qualms or reservations. It took me awhile to know this aspect of growing up. I used to think that by forgiving someone and by asking for forgiveness, I'd appear weak, that I was not strong enough to fight my side of the story. But with age and the things I've seen around me the past few months, it's that it is far easier to forgive and apologize than to ostracize. I know that most of you reading this might go Duhhh... Boy have I heard this before! but that's the thing, I guess I've grown up a little because I'm finally seeing this through new eyes.

Being grown up is also to be able to shoulder responsibilities. As children, every worry, every trouble we dump onto our parents to help us solve it. It's expected of us. But as we grow up, slowly we begin to take on more and when we have truly blossomed into adulthood, we are ready to take on the world. I admit, I'm not quite ready to start packing and move out but slowly I'm beginning to learn about responsibility that I should've experienced long ago...

And now, I've also learned to have fun and let go as I never have before. I've always held back for fear of appearing childish... but you know what, sometimes it takes little moments of pure childhood-like fun to show you that you've finally grown up...

Too tired to continue for now.. I'll be seeing you...

Am I Disturbing?

2007-06-12T21:37:00.000+08:00

On the outside, I might seem like a polished girl, somewhat unaccustomed to the idea of brutality or even things that deviate from the norm. But if you were to look deep into my eyes, you'd know that something darker lurks beneath the surface. I suppose everyone has a darker side within themselves that only comes out when something odd piques your interest. For more sinister characters like murderers and rapists this darker side overwhelms them... and they're consumed with the need to fuel their morbid curiousity that gives them such exhilaration when it's fulfilled. Of course, I have not yet reached that level of 'disturbing' but what if I were to surrender myself completely to this darker side of me... what then?

Why did I decide to write something like this?

I have an interesting blend of different genres when it comes to my favourite movies. Like every other girl, I enjoy my share of chick flicks. Like any hard core nerd, I live for ground-breaking sci-fi movies. Sometimes I find myself wailing over touching films while sometimes I laugh till my sides hurt when I watch comedies. Although, there is one particular genre which I have developed a taste for. Something which drifts between horror/thriller and drama. These are the movies that feed the more daring side of me, the more... sinister side to my personality..

Films like Interview with a Vampire, Flatliners, and the recent Hannibal Rising which inflamed my fascination with the brilliant Hannibal Lecter. Each of these movies and others like them, challenges the mind to think of something different from the thoughts that have occupied us in our little comfort zone. Movies that you stop yourself from enjoying them just because they are like that. For me, yeah sure, they're disturbing but each of these colourful characters inspire me in different ways. Theres Lestat who is confident in his abilities, the Flatliners group who have the ability to test the boundaries of medical limits as well as their own (which I envy!), and of course, my current 'alternative' hero... Hannibal Lecter who is utterly brilliant, sharp in his assessments, who calculates his every move and even when he's silent, you can see that he's absorbing everything around him till you feel as if you can see the cogs in head head turning. His energy is almost palpable.

Aside from morbid movies, there is also that fact where I can no longer taste the unique metallic taste of blood. I have been accustomed to it. It started innocently enough when my lips started bleeding due to my constant peeling, in the beginning the taste of blood would always cease me from continuing but now that I can longer taste it... I'm not bothered. Also the fact that I like my steak rather bloody seem to make people shudder. Is it my fault that I like it moist? Everytime I see the blood slowly oozing out of the meat when my fork prods it, I can feel my fangs tingling... what an odd sensation...

I once heard on TV that murderers and people alike think differently from the rest of us. Apparently, upon hearing words like murder, suicide, rape, our brains have an impulse reaction to it. We associate such words with cruelty, insanity.. etc. But with murderers the words trigger.... nothing. The words are so natural to them that it's like telling a normal person what you had for breakfast. Isnt that fascinating?

Sometime ago, my sister told me about something she read off the internet. Apparently, when more baleful fellons were asked this question, they all answered the same thing... two of her friends got the 'right' answer on their first attempt.. now I'll ask you..

"There is this family of three. A mother, and her two daughters. After a long illness, the mother dies. At the funeral, the younger daughters sees a good-looking man. Several weeks later, the older sister dies... What is the connection?"

Think about it...

Thought about it?

Have your answer yet?

Wouldnt want you to cheat...

Are you sure?

Okay then... scroll down further to find the answer...

"The younger daughter kills her older sister by the sheer idea that because she saw the man at another funeral, she would need another one to see him again"

What do you think?

Quiz Mania!

2007-06-10T15:28:00.000+08:00

I rarely have the patience to do personality quizzes but when I do, it's cranked up to the max! Here are the results:

Your Aura is Green

You're very driven, competitive, and even a bit jealous.However, you seek out balance in your life - and you usually achieve it!
The purpose of your life: inspiring others to be better
Famous greens include: Tony Robbins, Donald Trump, Martha Stewart
Careers for you to try: Guru, CEO, Talk Show Host

Your Greed Quotient: 59%

You are somewhat greedy, but your greed is probably a healthy motivator. Wanting nice things is normal, as long as it doesn't take over your life.

You Are 68% Sexy

Your Sex Appeal Is: Extremely High
You're very sexy. You just have that certain something that takes over a room.You know how to attract, entice, and keep whoever you want. You are truly appealing.

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or eve a completely different life.
You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds.
You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself.
Your near future is calm, relaxing, and pretty much what you want. And it's something you've been anticipating for a while now.
For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

You Are A Lily

You are a nurturer and all around natural therapist.People see you as their rock. And they are able to depend on you.You are a soothing influence. You can make people feel better with a few words.Your caring has more of an impact than even you realize.

You Should Drive a Bentley Azure

You're all flash, and you love to show off to anyone who will watch.And you're such a high roller, this is just one car of many for you...

You Are Aphrodite!

A total shining star with a ton of admirersAnd no wonder: you live life to the fullest!When things get bad, you can easily take off to a happier placeBut occasionally, you need to deal with problems head on

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead...
But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself.
You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place.
You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

You Play it Cool

You're not in your face, smokin' hot... and it's all by designYou have a carefully crafted cool persona, leaving everyone wanting to know just a little more.

Your Pride Quotient: 77%

You're beyond proud - you think you're honorary royalty.And while you may be nice on occasion, it's usually just to get what you want.

You Are Rocky Road Ice Cream

Unpredictable and wild, you know how to have fun.You're also a trendsetter who takes risks with new things.You know about the latest and greatest - and may have invented it!
You are most compatible with vanilla ice cream.

You Are 87% Feminist

You are a total feminist. This doesn't mean you're a man hater (in fact, you may be a man).You just think that men and women should be treated equally. It's a simple idea but somehow complicated for the world to put into action.

Guys Like That You're Sensitive

And not in that "cry at a drop of a hat" sort of wayYou just get most guys - even if you're not trying toGuys find it is easy to confide in you and tell you their secretsNo wonder you tend to get close quickly in relationships!

You Are a Feminine Beauty!

You make any guy feel like a man, simply by standing next to himYou have a classic womanly appeal - and you've got a look for every occasionThis doesn't mean that you can't kick back in (designer) jeans and sneakersYou just prefer to be girly and sweet as often as possible

Your Chances of Being a Multimillionaire: 64%

You have a good chance of being a multimillionaire. Better than most people.You simply have a natural knack for money and the personality for success.

Your Brain is 60% Female, 40% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and femaleYou are both sensitive and savvyRational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headedBut you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

Your Learning Style: Innovative and Independent

You are determined and driven. Confident in your abilities, no field is too difficult for you.
You Should Study:
Astronomy BiologyChemistryDesignEngineeringPhilosophyPhysicsPolitical Science

You Will Be a Cool Parent

You seem to naturally know a lot about parenting, and you know what kids need.You can tell when it's time to let kids off the hook, and when it's time to lay down the law.While your parenting is modern and hip, it's not over the top.You know that there's nothing cool about a parent who acts like a teenager... or a drill sergeant!

The Troubles Continue

2007-06-07T23:03:00.000+08:00

I'm sure you know that I've failed my driving test twice. I most probably have told you personally, but if not, there you go. I've failed twice. Which means that I've practically shoved $300 down the drain. And contrary to what my mother believes, I didnt purposely do this.

I guess the only way you'll understand is if I tell you the whole story. It's not going to be easy, I assure you but if it has the potential to make others understand my predicament...

Okay, fault number one that my mother finds in my driving lessons is that it took me far longer to get my license than anyone else. Was it my fault that my license couldnt clear? That the holidays were too close together for those people to work it out? That as it turned out, I had to go for a gruelling 6 hour talk which my brilliant instructor thought I could skip? Of course I tried explaining it to my mom, but naturally it was my fault, I didnt push them hard enough...

She even went so far as to say that I was purposely delaying my classes. Luckily, I had someone who knew me better than she did to rebut that claim... "Iman? Postponing her driving license? HAH! She's just itching to get behind a steering wheel!" Of course, my sister was the one who said it. By the way, my sister is also one of the reasons why my mom is riled up. You see, back in my sister's time, you didnt HAVE to wait a month after passing your theory exams to start driving lessons, so naturally, she finished everything in three weeks. I, however, well... you know how it goes...

Driving lessons were heaven, I tell you. For a few hours, I felt in control. No mother bugging me senseless. Nothing. I was like in my own world. My instructor even commended me saying that I was a quick learner. Well, anyone can become a quick learner at something if they're really into it, right? So after about a month, he asked me to take my first test. I was shocked.

I asked him countless times whether I was ready and he said, of course. He said he'd seen worse drivers than me pass easily. I wasnt swayed. But he continued to reassure me so I eventually gave in. Mom wasnt too happy that I was taking it so soon. I told her that my instructor said I was ready and she scoffed. She said that four lessons wasnt enough to make me pass and while I defended myself, I couldnt help but believe her. What was I to do though?

So yes, the first time I failed was because of two reasons. The first was that I didnt know the road that the tester asked me to take. Every test centre has two designated routes which every instructor is required to teach because the tester will ask randomly which route you are to take. My instructor failed to tell me this. So when the tester asked me to take route one, I asked her : "Which is route one?". Strike One. Second big mistake was when I got to this faux traffic light in the practice area. Everytime we get to a stop, we have to pull the handbrake and free gear. That too my instructor forgot to teach me. So right after that traffic light, the instructor asked me to pull over casually saying that I failed. My mom was justified.

Fine.

The second time, okay maybe I was a bit stupid for doing this, was a week after my first. My instructor was shocked that I failed. So after a week he said that he couldnt teach me anything else. I was again hesitant. I knew what my mother was going to say. They arranged the test date and I still had to tell my mother. She was furious. She sent me on a guilt trip saying that I had nothing better to do than to spend my fathers money. To tell you the truth, if I could withdraw money out of my bank account to pay for my driving lessons, I would. Just so that I could have my own piece of mind. But the fact of the matter is, I cant. So I still have to subject myself to my mothers rantings. She said that if I failed the second time, that would be it for me. No more lessons.

Second time I went, I was agitated as ever. The guy who was testing me was this burly man with shades. I was his first candidate (or victim whatever you want to call it). It started out fine. The man seemed at ease and I started to fall into the rhythm. Halfway through, he switched on the radio and started singing! It disconcerted me at first but hey, he was relaxed so I thought I was home free. Then the nightmare began. I was heading into a traffic light and as I was driving towards it, it was still green. I picked up the pace but when I got there the light had turned yellow. Panicking (cause I thought that you had to prepare to stop on yellow), I stopped but made sure that I did it before the yellow box. The instructor told me I failed. My heart sank. I asked him why and he said that because my front two tires were in front of the white line, I should've just kept going. I pleaded with him telling him that I honestly did not know, which I didnt! But he was adamant. To make my misery worse, he said that he'd already wanted to pass me, said he liked my driving but because of that one stint, I was called a reckless driver and he had to fail me. Again, Mom wasnt too pleased.

Going into the exam for the third time, I know that this is going to be my last chance. It would be 6 months suspension before I can take my next driving lesson and as you very well know, I dont have that kind of time. Since the second one, it has taken me about a month to do this again. I tried arranging more driving lessons to appease Mom but my instructor said that until I set an exam date (which was something I wasnt prepared to do) I cant take driving lessons. It was only two weeks ago that I found out my learner's license expires next week so under pressure I have to take my test tomorrow. But again, my instructor refused to teach me. Said there was no point to it. But like my mom said, "If there's no point, then why do you keep failing?" My sentiments exactly. I suppose all the mistakes I made was not because of my driving but actually my lack of road safety knowledge. But I've taken more lessons since my first faux pas and hopefully this time I'll come out on top.

When I told my mother last week that my test was this week she seemed okay with it. In fact, she was relieved that I had finally settled on a day. And earlier this evening, when I asked her for another $150 for my driving test she said okay. So I thought she was alright. But about an hour prior to this post, she intercoms my room and asks me when my driving lessons are. I tell her that I'm taking the test tomorrow. She freaks. She says that I havent had any lessons. I said I had one this morning. She freaks some more saying that I always do this, take a lesson or two then go for exams. I try to explain to her that my license expires but she's mad anyway. So I keep quiet. Not long after she 'talks' to me, she hangs up.

I only hope I can pass tomorrow... God, help me.

Something I Wanted to Share

2007-06-07T17:55:00.000+08:00

I've just finished watching the Holiday for the second time and I have to admit that Kate Winslet's character in the movie is my Guru when it comes to love. The things that she says are so deep to me that I feel like tearing up whenever I think about it... This excerpt is said early in the movie as the intro. It will always have a special place in my heart...

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said 'Journeys end in lovers meeting' What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said 'love is blind'. Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!"

See what I mean?

Venturing into the Future

2007-06-06T22:33:00.000+08:00

I dont know about you, but the idea of the future is enough to make my skin crawl. I mean, being somewhat obsessive compulsive, I'd always plan out what I was going to do. Everything has a system, I believe. Although oddly enough, sometimes my 'system' is chaotic. Like my room. But let's not get into that..

So yes, back to the topic, I'm terrified of the future. All my life, I've planned on having a successful career that will make me a millionaire before I turn 30 ( am aiming for 28 but me thinks that's too ambitious ), property in every country I would want to visit, travel a lot ( hopefully with my own private jet or worse come to worse travel first or business class ), and of course, the priceless gift of being happy with whatever I have. You see, when little girls my age were dreaming of wearing pretty dresses and marrying their handsome prince charming, I dreamt of power suits and truckloads of money. Oh how things never change.. *sigh*...

Whenever I tell people other than my family and close friends about this, they gasp in horror. Well most of them anyway. They cant comprehend why ANYONE would want to forgo marriage for a career. To them, the be-all and end-all of life is to get married and have babies. Preferably in that order. But I mean, yeah sure, if I found the right one then maybe but I've always thought that there was more to life than just procreating. So I dont know, some may call me jaded.. but my mom has given me her full support on the single-and-happy thing. So has my dad. Which basically means that there's no pressure at all. Whoopeedo!

While I'm on the topic of 'the future' I might as well talk about my experience with a fortune teller which I visited for kicks at this fair in KLCC last Chinese New Year. I signed up for the palm reading session but the lady said she liked me so much that she'll give a tarot card reading as well. Uh, okay, cool. Among the things she said were:

1. I'll always be taken care of (i.e. I'll always have an easy life)
2. My father loves me more.
3. My career wont be as great as I want it to be.
4. I'll marry rich.
5. I'll have many good-looking boyfriends
6. When I'm married, I'll STILL have a good-looking boyfried (although she didnt mention whether my husband was going to be good-looking)
7. I'll have one son and one daughter.
8. I will have a good marriage as long as I keep my moods under control
9. I will continue to travel as leisurely as I do now after I marry
10. My close friends will be loyal.

That's about all I can remember although item number 6 I'll remember the best! I thought it was amusing then, still think it's funny now. Let's face it, that's all it's going to be: a form of amusement, especially between my sister and Zunny who were with me at the time.

You couldnt imagine how shattered I felt when she said I wasnt going to have a successful career. What happened to girl power? Independent woman? Was I going to end up a pathetic woman who depended on her husband for everything she wanted? Was I going to give up all my dreams and settle? The idea is ludicrous.

Thing is, I dont know what I'm going to face in the future but what I do know is that if I want it to turn out the way I had planned then the next few years of my life will be of hard work and determination. And by thunder, I'll do anything in my power to get there. I want to appear on TIME magazine. I want to meet Stephen Hawking and have him write out a recommendation for me! I want to be more famous than Oprah. Richer than her too. I want to be the symbol for Women Strength. Oh, I want so many things.

But who knows what God has in store for me. All I know is, as long as I have the chance to shape my future, I'm going to do it. Or die trying.

Unfamiliar

2007-06-05T11:29:00.000+08:00

Is it possible to look at someone you once cared so deeply about only to realize that that person was different than the person you knew? To be overwhelmed with the feeling that you dont know this person anymore?

Does it come from time apart? Or the simple reason of feeling indifferent toward this person?

Either way, this feeling is new to me. Perhaps I still have hope for myself..

Not Enough

2007-06-04T22:15:00.000+08:00

I've been lucky enough in life to be surrounded with so many people who've given me their love and trust that sometimes I feel so unworthy of it that touches the depths of my soul. They've shared with me times when I felt like I couldnt hold my head up, eased the sorrows for when happiness seemed impossible for me to ever feel again, stayed with me when I felt like giving up... So thinking about it, I ask myself, am I good enough for them? Sadly, I think not.

I could never think I was ever good enough for them. I look at myself, analyze and dissect everything I've done in the past and the answer is there in front of me: I'm not a good person.

With their faces in my mind, I realize that each one of my friends know only a part of me. Although different parts. Some see the crazy side of me, some the serious, some the ever-wrong, and some the saint... but I have never truly bared my soul to one person. Sure, perhaps if they put all those parts together they'd find the almost complete version of 'me' but I doubt that will ever happen... I dont think I'm worth such an effort..

I mean, what have I got in me that makes me worthy of their friendship and love?

I havent got the brains. I am such a pessimist that most of the battles that I have faced I have lost in the beginning all because I say "I Cant" without even trying. I am hardly a rolemodel. I mean, I wasnt a stellar student in school. I was drifting. I skipped class... skipped school... rarely turned in my homework... didnt excel in my exams... and while some of my friends may yell at me for saying it, it's true. I wasnt ever outstanding in one single subject. I didnt do too bad at any either. But to me, being average is the worst feeling I can get.

I havent got the looks. Unlike Ry or Da, I'm an average Jane. If I were to pass you by on the street, you wouldnt consider looking again. I never stood out in school because of it either. I remember the tall, skinny, pretty girls would always have the most friends ( or cronies ) and people like me, the average ones, would just fade in the crowd. I never deserved to be noticed. But I suppose I'm used to it..

I havent got the spirit. I'm a coward. I freely admit that. And while Elle has enough spirit and life for 10 people, I'm as dull as watching paint dry. I'm a cynical, embittered, battered soul that views the world in constant sarcasm and negativity. There have been so many times in my life that I imagine myself gripping the attention of others by being assertive, shining through so to speak. But like I said, I havent got the spirit for that. All I do is watch others take the spotlight. And tell myself that I'm content by having it that way. And if I tell myself long enough, I'll believe it.

And perhaps the most crucial thing that gave me away was the simple fact that I didnt have enough love to give others. I am so selfish in the things I do. I can count with my two hands the amount of times that I have been gracious or kind. I'm so caught up in my own world that perhaps I dont care enough for them as much as they care about me. And when they give me advice, sometimes I just shrug it off. Thinking that I know better. When all the while they were right.. Oh, and how can I forget? I'm terrible at comforting people. Often I stop myself from giving a helping word to others knowing perfectly well that the only thing I'll achieve is making them feel worse.

So what does this say about me?

I guess I'll never be enough.

How Do I Thank You?

2007-06-03T21:00:00.000+08:00

This is dedicated to Elina. She may never read this, cause she doesnt visit my blog but nevertheless... I Love You, Elle.

How Do I Thank You?

How do I thank you?
When all I have are words
So petty it seems
Compared to what you’ve been
Many things you have seen

How do I thank you?
For the support unending
The advice you gave
The good in me you saved
Giving me the love I craved

How do I thank you?
For loving me when I was hated
You stood up for me
When others couldn’t see
That I wanted to be free

How do I thank you?
For hurting when I cried
Pulled the pieces together
When I didn’t know better
Helped me when I suffered

How do I thank you?
For teaching me to laugh again
You brought the sun in my life
When all I could see was strife
Gave me the will to survive

How do I thank you?
For just being there
Cause if it wasn’t for you
I wouldn’t be me.

Give Me Your Smile

2007-06-01T22:02:00.000+08:00

In less than three months, I'll be leaving Malaysia to pursue my education in UK and with every passing day, my heart grows heavier with the realization that I'll be leaving so many things that I hold dear along with it. My friends. My family. A certain unrequited love. This poem is the first of perhaps many compositions that I'll be writing under the label 'One More Thing Before I Go...". Not so different from 'Letters to a True Love', this is dedicated to people that I care very much about in life. This is for you.

Give Me Your Smile

Let’s share our laughter
Enjoying good times as if never ending
Forget your grief
All you need is belief
Believe that you deserve this moment
Enjoy this small piece of heaven

Tell me your dreams
I want to hear
Though I might not understand
I can bend
I’ll help you get there
Oh, how the days will be fair

Drop your tears on me
I’ll catch them for you
I know your sorrow
I’ll be there longer than tomorrow
Smile my precious one
There’s still much joy to be found

But one day I shall be gone
There’s only one thing I want from you

Look to the skies above
If you see me there
Please give me your smile
Such bittersweet feelings
And know I’ll give you mine
A overwhelming feeling that surpasses time

I hope you cherish it as much as I do.

Good night.

What is Love?

2007-05-28T20:18:00.000+08:00

One of the most elusive questions to ever grace the known world: What is Love? We see it in movies, we read it in novels, and for some lucky people out there, they've experienced it... so you'd think that trying to define that four letter word would be simple. Oh, but dont we all know the reality of it.

For some of you who follow my (somewhat limited) Letters to a True Love series, you can obviously conclude that I'm a romantic at heart. I try not to be, try to hide it, but the fact of the matter is, I am one, an incurable hopeless romantic. But even I cant tell you what love means.

There are so many different renditions in the world as to the meaning of Love. I've heard people say that love is wanting to see that one person as the first one you see in the morning and the last at night. Some say love is this feeling that brings out the possessive nature in you. Love is the feeling that makes you shatter into a million pieces when you envision your life without a certain person. Love is when you look into your sweetheart's eyes and you feel complete...etc. Which would you consider the right answer? You decide.

However, the question I pose today is, how do you know when you're in love?

Does it come to you like a bolt of lightning? Does it slowly creep into your heart? Is it ALWAYS at first sight? and when it does dawn upon you, how do you know it's love? For all you know it could be the makings of a pounding migraine. Or worse, a crush which will only lead to unrequited love. So how do you know that that one person is the only person you were meant to be with? And not just a passing fancy.

I've seen so many people in my life whom when they were together seemed to worship the ground each walks on. Who declare their love to one another at every possible moment. And share every waking hour with each other only to have themselves separated not long afterwards. Perhaps, the situations I've seen are hardly exemplary mainly because I'm still a teenager and most of the time the 'love' they claim to experience might actually be hormones or at best puppy love.

Again, this confused teen asks, how do you know when it's real? and when it is, how does it feel?

Once in awhile, I see an old couple walking down the street together hand in hand. And the sight fills me with such hope and just general good feelings that I'm rendered speechless. Looking into their eyes you can see that even though their faces bear the sign of age and weariness, their eyes possess a certain twinkle perserved from youth. A twinkle that comes from loving someone with all your being.

I guess it's my fault that I've never actually asked one of these couples what they think love means. I mean, if it's anyone that can give me the truest meaning to it, I suppose it'd have to be them. But somehow, I dont think they'll help much either. Love is so empowering, so overwhelming.. so wonderful that I doubt there'll be any real meaning to it. At least I think it is.

There was one time though when I asked a cousin of mine who was indeed happily married whether she knew the meaning of love. And how do you know whether you're in love? She smiled to me and said, more or less:

"Young people nowadays often say 'I Love You' more often than they mean it. Sure, they shower each other with gifts for monthly anniversaries and what not but as far as I'm concerned that isnt true love"

"Love doesnt require gifts or words to make it anymore beautiful. In fact, love is the most beautiful of things in this world. If a person truly loves someone, the person loved should be able to feel it in their bones. Running beneath their skin in their veins. They would be able to see the love the person is giving just by the look in their eyes. By the touch of their hand. By the sound of their voice. No, love doesnt need anything material to make it any more real. Love is complete"

"So, did I know that it was love I was feeling for my husband at first? No, I didnt. It's just that everytime I looked at him I felt that I'd truly come home. And as for knowing the meaning of love. Again, I dont know. But I think the meaning of love for me is my husband"

But of course later she did say that gifts and reassurances are sometimes needed just to make the person feel appreciated.

So does the meaning of love simply personifies in the form of the person you love? When I find out, I assure you, my blog readers will be the first to know.

Up until now, the definition my cousin gave me is the closest I hold to my heart and I only hope that I can experience that sometime down the line. But you know what, I'm not going to go out looking for love. If it was truly meant to be, then it'll find me.

Till then, I'll be happy on my own.

Zunny's on the Cover

2007-05-28T00:29:00.000+08:00

About a week ago, my friends and I went for this photoshoot for this educational magazine. One of them was of course Zunny. So I'd like to proudly announce that ZUNNY MADE THE COVER!!! I'm so happy for her!!

In other news, my shoulderblades are killing me from the heavy duty lifting at my sister's reunion. And that I've finally watched Goal!

Will resort to my usual style of writing tomorrow, if my shoulder permits..

Take care, luv.

Over You

2007-05-27T11:36:00.001+08:00

These are the lyrics to Over You by Chris Daughtry, my sweetheart. Listening to this song will always lift my spirits.. enjoy it as I have..

Now that it's all said and done
I cant believe you were the one
To build me up then tear me down
Like an old abandoned house

And what you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath
I fell too far, was in way too deep
Guess I let you get the best of me

Well I never saw it coming
I should've started running
A long long time ago
And I never thought to doubt you
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know

I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now I'm picking up the pieces
And spending of these years
Putting my heart back together
Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you

You took a hammer to these walls
Dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away
There was nothing I could say
And when you slammed the front door shut
A lot of others opened up
So did my eyes, so I could see
That you never were the best for me

Well I never saw it coming
I should've started running
A long long time ago
And I never thought to doubt you
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know

I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now I'm picking up the pieces
And spending of these years
Putting my heart back together
Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you

Well I never saw it coming
I should've started running
A long long time ago
And I never thought to doubt you
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know

Well I never saw it coming
I should've started running
A long long time ago
And I never thought to doubt you
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know

I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now I'm picking up the pieces
And spending of these years
Putting my heart back together
Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you

I'm putting my heart back together
Cause I got over you
I got over you
I got over you
Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got Over You.

Insecurities

2007-05-26T21:35:00.000+08:00

Attending my sister's class reunion today, it made me reflect on my own group of friends. Even as I'm writing this, my eyes constantly shift to the pictures that are plastered on the wall in front of me. Pictures of my classmates, my schoolmates. Some of them I've known for most of my life, some of them I've only known for such a brief time but have left a profound effect on me, and of course, some who will always have a special place in my heart.

But as my eyes skim through the masses of smiling faces, I think to myself, how many of these people will I remember 10 years down the line? How many of them will I still keep in touch with?

Having spent most of my adolescence with my sister and her group of my friends, I cant help but envy the kinship that they share with each other. Occasionally I have to admit that it gets rather tiresome when they reflect back on their school days but most of the time, I listen to every story like a child absorbing everything she can with wide-eyes.

Will I ever have that with my own set of friends?

Somehow I can imagine some of us having families of our own. A husband, children, in-laws. With so much personal issues to deal with, how will we find time for each other? How can we spend our afternoons laughing and talking about essentially nothing with a family in-tow? Can our friendship withstand all this? The answer to all these questions is: I dont know. And this terrifies me sometimes.

Personally, I'm not planning to marry unless I find someone who I think I cant live without. After all, that's what my mother told me. So what about me? I will probably be caught up in my own job and if my ambition carries me through, I'll be working day and night. So while my other breeding friends may opt to become a full-time mothers, where does that leave me? They'll probably be able to set-up playdates and spend time having coffee together. Me? I might be invited for birthday parties and such but what else?

You see, my sister's friends somehow manage to juggle having a family whilst supporting their careers. And still have the time to see each other. How do they do it? I suppose, it's examples like these that give me hope that perhaps not all is lost. Yet, the fear still lingers.

For some of you who know me personally, though I may seem confident on the outside, I'm actually a battered soul. Actually, I may feel more than others. Fear more than others. Cry more than others. Hurt more than others. But the years have made me into a person that holds in the pain only to release it when I'm alone and no one can hear the cries. I'm a very insecure person, you see. Insecure about my brains, my looks, my friends, my personality... everything. And God knows I worry like every other human being too. But I never show this side of me for fear of opening myself to someone. No one ever told me "you can only trust yourself" but I suppose all my life I've been lying by omission. I refuse to tell people certain aspects of my life. The darker side to it if you will. And even with my closest friends, I have yet to bare all. Even with my sister.

At the moment, there is nothing in my life that I'm sure of. Nothing. As per my previous post, I'm thankful for everything I've received in the past but what about my future? One of the reasons why I love math so much is because there is no uncertainty. There is only right or wrong. One plus one will always be two. Period. But life... It changes so quickly that you have to catch up and grow up before you mess up. Sometimes it moves so fast I trip and fall. Though sometimes I ask for help, most of the time I get up and start walking on my own. Call it pride if you want but I wish to forge my own way in life even though just thinking about the future scares me so much sometimes that I cry.

I dont think I'm an emotional person by nature but.... about where the path will lead me to in life, I guess I'll never really know. All I can do is hope that its filled with success, joy, perhaps with a little bit of challenges, and most importantly... love.

Have a good future, my friend.

I'm Thankful

2007-05-24T23:25:00.000+08:00

For some of you who have followed the progress (although somewhat slow!) of my blog, you probably know of the trials that I've faced in the past year or so. There have been things that I've done in the past that I'm not proud of, things that I'd prefer never happened, and of course, things that I wish I could've done differently... I mean, what teenager doesnt have these things weighing on their conscience...

I'll admit that all my life, I've been showered with enough love and attention that any girl could wish for. I've got parents who'll love me unconditionally, a sister whom I look up to and turn to for advice, a large extended family that even though may seem albeit nosy that care about me, and last but not least, friends who accept me for who I am...

thinking about it... who can ask for more?

I've been so stupid in the past to have so much self-pity when instead I could've been grateful for everything that I had. And instead of coming up with excuses to justify my actions, I could've accepted them and learned from them. Oh well, a girl has to make mistakes occasionally...

Truth be told, even with all the tears cried... all the fury taken out on the world... every mistake in my life has taught me something. When my SPM results didnt turn out the way I wanted them to, I learned that I'm not invincible... when I fell out of love, I learned the deep meaning behind "whatever doesnt kill you, only makes you stronger", and though I hate to admit this, I also learned that I'm not always right, that I'm human and I make mistakes too.

It's half past eleven at night right now, on the 24th of May. If all goes well, in precisely 3 months, I'll be leaving Malaysia to carve a new life for myself in the UK. I've promised myself that I'd change for the better there. To be more responsible, more independent, more hardworking... and all that jazz. I know that if these things dont happen, then my ambition of ultimate achieving success will never be fulfilled. And that is one mistake I wont allow to happen.

So back to my title.. I'm thankful... thankful for all the rights... thankful for all the wrongs... thankful for all the success... thankful for all the disappointments... Because I know that no matter how cruel or tainted I may seem, there is a good person deep in my soul that wouldnt exist if it wasnt for all those things.

And of course, I'm thankful for you. By reading this, it shows to me that you care, if not a lot maybe a little, but it doesnt matter, it's good to know someone cares. So yes, thank you.

Thank God.

Will We Meet in UK?

2007-03-25T21:15:00.000+08:00

Dear True Love,

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. You see, I'm going to the UK soon and I cant help but wish that I'll meet you there. While I secretly hope that you're British I know that no one can mess with fate and who knows, you might come from Malaysia too. I might meet you while I'm there I might not. So many things are working against us, but you are my true love and if I am yours, I know that we'll make it through our obstacles.

The school I'm going to Cheltenham Ladies College, is the equivalent of Eton and Harrow for girls and for their prom, they invite Eton and Harrow boys over. Well, at least that's what I heard. Do you come from there? Will I meet you that soon? Or will you keep me waiting? I'm not saying I mind, but I hope that we meet soon. I've been feeling kinda alone lately, hoping that one day I can share it with someone. I know that once I've met you, you'll be that person.. so yeah, I cant wait to meet you.

By the way, dont EVER sit in a car with me behind the wheel. I just semi-totalled the family van. I didnt mean to, honest! But I guess I should've waited until I got a proper license before I started driving.

I'm listening to wispy, lovey-dovey songs right now.. I want you here with me while I listen to them. Maybe someday, yeah? Till then, we'll go on our merry ways. But when you see me, dont judge me on how I look or how I behave. I'm sure you'll bring out the best in me. Just give me the chance to show you how much I can love someone and that you'll realize that I am actually a rather nice person. Just be patient with me, love.

Again, I cant wait to meet you. You cant even begin to imagine how much I want you to be British but who am I to say. Just remember that whoever you are, I'll love you just as you are. Dont change.. Unless I ask you nicely of course.. ;)..

Good night, my love. Till next time.

Long Absence

2007-03-25T20:39:00.000+08:00

I apologize dearly for my long absence, as many of my readers know, because most of them are my friends, my attention span is that of a goldfish but you see, I'm trying to change that so here I am once again.

Many things have changed since I last wrote in here.

First of all, I've gotten my SPM results.. 8A's and 2B's. A disappointment in my eyes. However, I have no one to blame but myself. I like to pride myself on being a rather bright girl but my performance in my previous exam proved to be mediocre. Never thought I'd admit this but my mother was right.. The computer may be the smartest thing on the planet but without any input there will be no output. I may disagree sometimes or even rebel against what my says but I've never doubted that she is a wise woman in her own right.

For one brief moment, I thought that my dreams were over. I'd have to take the Local study route but my dad was rather happy with what I had accomplished. The subjects that I got B's for were Bahasa Melayu and Agama ( Religious Studies ) so it really will not affect my application to the UK. So I went on with my applications to Cheltenham Ladies College (CLC) and Roedean. Who knew that I'd get accepted into both.

Personally, I thought I preferred Roedean. Firstly, it seemed like a much warmer school compared to Cheltenham in a sense that the people there seemed more friendly. And secondly, the school is located in Brighton which is where Elle is so I'll be about 5 minutes away from her. Unfortunately, the latter reason also worked against me. My mother said that Elle would be a distraction to me to a certain extent and she said that she wanted my focus purely on my studies. I agree. I mean, I know myself well enough to know that I will get distracted so.. after carefull thinking and deliberation, CLC it is going to be. "the Amalina" also went there so it speaks well for the school.

So yes Ladies and Gentlemen, I am now a future student of CLC to join in September 2007. I leave for the UK at the end of August. Of course I'm anxious to go but the feeling is still very much bittersweet. I mean, my friends are here.. my family.. Malaysia is where I grew up and while I still critisize it occasionally, I still love it here. My heart will always be in Malaysia. Even if I end up with a foreigner (oh dear God I pray I do!) he will have to return with me. I want to raise my children here. I want to improve on what I've critisized in the past. Malaysia is my home. No matter what happens in the future, this is where I will come back to.

Apart from that, I've also started my driving lessons. Much to my family's dismay. I've discovered that driving is a small piece of heaven. But... hehe.. I scratched the side today on the stump at my gate. Just got yelled at for it. My bad! So no more driving until I get my P license.

Next hot topic, vacation central. Since school doesnt start till September, I'm making full use of my time off. Okay, maybe I have to finish up my applications and all, and there is also the subject of me studying on the side so my life in CLC wont be so difficult, oh, there is also the matter of learning how to cook! (shudder). But like I said, I cant wait to go. I only wish I could take everything I have here with me.

Starting to think a lot about the future now. How my roommate will be. How the teachers will be... etc. Still looking forward to it

Also, in my Horoscope, it says at the end of the year there will be reciprocated love for me.. Woo Hoo! Now THAT I can live with.. Hey, who says I cant have a fun time whilst studying? Not fun all the time of course.. I'll have to learn where to draw the line. I must.

So from now on, this blog will tell the story of how Iman Azman, daughter of Azman Zain and Arfah Othman, sister of Yazmin Azman, will begin to take more responsibility and learn to carve her own way as Iman Azman. Student at CLC.

People Change

2007-01-29T21:00:00.000+08:00

Firstly, I would like to apologize for my long absence. Many things have sprouted lately that just havent permitted me the time to update my blog.

Which brings me to this post, some incidents that have happened have changed my outlook on the people around me, or perhaps that they have really changed? but when you think that everyone around you has changed, chances are, you're the one who has changed.. With that, I have entered such a subjective world which, as some of you might know, is completely out of my element..

A certain friend of mine, whom I like to say is somewhat close to me has changed in a sense that her way of thinking and her mannerisms have done a complete 180. The change might've come gradually but it wasnt until I came back from a trip that I've realised the change in her. Her words which used to be coloured with humour and simplicity now exude cynicism and harshness. Phone calls to her now sometimes leave me gaping at the rudeness, and hurtful things she says. But who am I to say? Everyone else seems fine with it. Could it be just me? However, I also realise that with other people she is her usual sweet self but is it comfort that's bringing out the banshee in her? Hard to say when you've known her for so long..

Another friend of mine.. well, friend might be putting it optimistically.. we shared a common friend and even though we've had a history between the two of us, we were too different to be called actual friends. So let me get to the point, how would you feel if a friend of yours, who seems to be so nice to you, would only want to see you if you brought along a person whom she adores? I'll tell you how I feel though.. I feel crushed. What makes things worse is that she has attached herself to a person whom I simply loathe ( I'll call this person B). Regarding that though, I cant say anything. She and this certain person have been better friends than I have with her. But at one point, we both had a common hatred for this person and now.. on her part, it's just dissipated... Is it me? Have I ticked her off? .. Why is life so harsh this way?.. Oh another thing, I have another friend who would say no to going out to me if I dont invite two other people. This same person also basks in the company of two people I cant get along with. One of which is B. So you tell me what am I supposed to think?!!!! I HAVE NEARLY LOST MY MIND! AT THIS POINT I DO NOT WANT TO SEE ANYONE AND I FEEL AS IF MY WORLD IS CRUMBLING AROUND ME!!!!!! help me..

Now to come to the one person who I think has changed most : Me

As of late, I've realised a certain part of me which is filled with so much resentment and anger that if I dont put this into writing I feel as if I might explode. Most of it is Jealousy.

The saddest part is, if I put this out, I might ruin ANOTHER friendship ( whoopee do for me! ) and I simply CANNOT afford it.. but just to lighten the burden I'm carrying..

A few people I know, one of whom I will love eternally as my friend and the other, a person whom I was previously close to, are doing things that I've wanted to do all my life only they're doing it without any limitations from family or other circumstances. Me? I should be so lucky! The idea that brings out such jealousy in me is the simple fact that I DESERVE IT MORE THAN THEY DO!! God damn it! I'm so much better than them so why am I not there with them? Why are they living out MY DREAM?!! oh the pain..

By the way, my relationship with Da and Elle, even though I'd hate to admit it, is slowly disappearing.. it's official.. I've lost everything..

Lucky me..

Another Friend Lost

2007-01-11T18:54:00.000+08:00

I lost another friend today and while I know that the loss I faced wasnt as bad as losing a friend because of death. Da's gone to the States and while I was watching her descend on the escalator, my heart was beating so fast I thought it might stop. It was completely unexpected. I just thought that I'd feel emptiness.. A hollowness in my heart that would be forever exposed. No, that feeling came afterwards. I wanted to cry. I couldnt. And while some might call me insentsitive and uncaring that is hardly the matter. I am so used to keeping my emotions hidden that breaking down in public has never been a problem for me. But I guess that in itself is a problem. I keep everything locked inside for it to accumulate and eventually make me break down in grief.

All the way home I couldnt help but remember all the things that we'd done together. The laughs we shared, the arguments we had, the chocolates we consumed over pools of tears. I realized that she was no longer a phone call away. She'll be continents away from me and there's nothing I can do about it.

I am so overwhelmed by sadness right now that I dont think I can continue with this post.. But in here I've put the lyrics to Avril Lavigne's song "Keep Holding On".. a song I dedicated to Elle and Da.

Before the lyrics, a word of advice from yours truly... Love your friends. You see, even though I've somewhat lost them, I will never forget the moments I've shared with them nor have I ever regrettted them.

Keep Holding On

You're not alonetogether we stand
I'll be by your side you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
and it feels like the end
Theres no place to go you know I wont give in
No I wont give in

Keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
Theres nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
Theres no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through.

So far away I wish you were here
Before it's too late this could all disappear
Before the doors close,
And it comes to an end
But with you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend

Keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
Theres nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
Theres no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through.

Hear me when I say
When I sayI believe
Nothings gonna change
Nothings gonna change destiny
What ever is meant to be
Will work out perfectly

Keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
Theres nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
Theres no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through.

Keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
Theres nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
Theres no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through.

To Elle and Da: We'll make it through guys.. I promise you..

Not a Bad Day

2007-01-10T20:57:00.000+08:00

I woke up today thinking.. no.. KNOWING.. that today was going to be just another day for myself. A standard, wake up, run errands / hang out at home, sleep, day but it goes to show that sometimes the big guy up there has other plans for you.. and all I can say is, thank you, today's been a good day..

Okay, so maybe this morning didnt start as well as I'd wanted it to be. My Dad asked me about my plans to probably pursue my A-Levels here in Malaysia. He knows that the only local college that I'm willing to apply to is KYUEM in Tanjung Malim. All my previous cousins have gone there and my sister also went briefly before jetting of to UK. However, I do realize that things there have changed and it might no longer be what it was. But hey, if they can produce a certain sum of students who end up in either Cambridge or Oxford, it cant be that bad now can it?

So I told him of my plans and of course, my darling Mom wasnt too pleased with the local idea. But she held her tongue, amazingly enough. My dad then asked me to write to all the schools that I was planning to apply to stating my trial results and that I wanted desperately to get into their schools. The operative term would be DESPERATE.

I wrote the bloody emails and mailed them. That took up pretty much my entire morning. Close to 12, I gladly stepped into the bathroom for a long needed shower. Never had strong, cold water seem so heavenly. I also had to hurry and get dressed cause I was planning on going out with Zunny to buy Da a farewell present. The initial idea was to go to KLCC but considering that I still cant drive and therefore I depend on my "spirited" mother to take me places, I decided to choose a place much closer to home. Ampang Point. I know it's hardly a place to be looking for worthwhile pressies for one of your dearest friends but knowing my mother... let's just say that the reason why I'm still able to type this out was because I chose Ampang Point.

Zunny and I pooled and we got Da a cute little green Thumbdrive. 2GB. Hope she likes it.

Came home. Watched Skeleton Key and revelled in the fact that Zunny hadnt watched it so she was cowering behind the pillow(s). Poor dear. We were getting ready to leave for our walk around Taman TAR when my mom said that there was good news. Cheltenham replied. My request for application has been accepted. Now I have to sit for their exams. Whoop-Pee-Doo.
The subjects that I signed up for were Mathematics (an obvious choice.. ), English Literature, Economics, and History. My mom wasnt one bit happy.

"Econs and History?!"

I tried explaining to her that the other subjects werent that 'simple' either. She asked me why didnt I apply for Physics. I was tongue-tied. Do I tell her that I didnt want to look at Physics for the rest of my life? Nahhhhh... She might just erupt. Deciding that it was a good idea to let her cool down, I left for my walk with Zunny.

We saw this hot dude while we were walking. Okay, some history behind this Hot Dude who I'm now going to refer to as Roger. Dont ask why. First time I saw Roger, I was at a gym on the bicycle thingy. In front of me was an empty space. I was happily minding my own business with a book in hand when Roger walks in. It took all my self pride not to drop my jaw and gape. He warms up, lies down in front of me on the blank space and starts doing crunches. I found myself staring at him everytime he was flat on the floor and looking away when he'd come up. I was doing that for a good 15 minutes. Shame on me I know!

Next time was when I was with my ex who is now gonna be referred to as Mr X. Okay, so Mr X was walking in front of me. A good 2 metres ahead of me. In the opposite direction comes Roger jogging steadily. Man, he was hot! This time I couldnt help but stare. Roger looked at me then at Mr X, back at me and Mr X. When he had gone past me, he called out Mr X's name. Daym! They knew each other?!

And the one right before today was when Zunny and I were walking and again, he was coming in the opposite direction with what seemed like his dad. Long story short, Zunny and I were so busy looking at him that we missed the step down and both tripped very ungracefully on the road. Hehe..

So today, we managed to keep our cool. I was walking down the hill busy laughing with Zunny when Roger comes up the hill looking as yummy as ever. I almost lost my ability of speech. But a good minute before he went past us, I smacked Zunny trying to get her to be alert. After we passed him Zunny was hitting me for a change. I immediately called Farah to tell her what happened. Needless to say she shared my enthusiasm. It was only later on that I realized Zunny had forgotten that that was Roger and it took a good tongue lashing on my behalf to guilty-fy her.

You could say that today wasnt such a bad day.. Not a bad day at all...

Letting Go

2007-01-08T10:45:00.000+08:00

Relationships arent exactly that easy to let go of are they? You have so many memories that you find yourself overwhelmed by them every single day. So where does that put you exactly? Does it mean you're still hung up? That you still want this person back? Up until recently, I would've said yes, but now I realise, thinking about memories you shared with that person doesnt make you pathetic.. it only makes you human.

There's no easy way to put this. I had a messy break up. It trailed on for months after that only to end in more heartache for me. It was my fault really. I called in a break up when I wasnt ready to let go yet. It was a big mistake. At least I thought it was. The person I was with then told me a lie to hide the real truth of why we'd grown distant. He'd told me that he had fallen for one of my best friend and even now, when I already know the truth, it still hurts. The truth was that he wasnt happy anymore. I dont blame him. What have I got to please others? Besides, we'd rushed into the relationship so quickly we really didnt know what we were going in to. But I am grateful that this experience has taught me something I wouldnt have learned otherwise.

It taught me how to let go.

I'll tell you, initially, I couldnt. And when I say I couldnt I mean I really couldnt. I was crying like an idiot every night so my eyes would be perpetually swollen and it hurt so bad that I considered killing myself. Not a good thing in my religion. But there you have it… I was a wreck and even though there’s a chance that the person in question might be reading this some time… I really couldn’t care less. This is my experience. An experience that I’d like to share with the world.

Learning to let go isn’t an easy thing I’ll tell you that. But it is necessary. I mean, even today, when I see him my stomach doesn’t settle quite right and I feel nauseous. I feel worse when I see his new girlfriend’s picture. Worst when I see them in a picture together. But I know that this is a vital part of becoming a human being. You learn to let go of the things that was once yours. There’s a saying that I actually like that, even though it might not suit the circumstances, I keep close to my heart.

“Something you have today, might not be with you tomorrow. And something that you’ve lost today might not be lost to you forever”

So to all of you single-again people out there just like me, hang in there, love lost today will come back into your life once again. And I’m sure when it comes back it’ll come back with a vengeance. So take my advice, love with all your heart no matter what happens cause you never know when Mr. / Miss Right might be right under your nose..

While letting go of something signifies an end, it also brings with it a new beginning and while for awhile you just feel like burying yourself underneath your sheets for the next few months, you will eventually find yourself poking your head from under there to see the sunlight streaming through your windows with the sound of birds twittering outside. It’s then that you’re reminded of love once again. And we all know how wonderful that is..

Also, think of it this way, if you haven’t let go of what has happened, how are you going to embrace what is to come? If you don’t get up and get going, life is just going to pass you by with you still stuck in the past. While you’re harping on your ex, the right person out there is getting impatient and for some unfortunate souls, the right one just got tired of waiting for you to get over the past. So give the person a chance, let them love you and please don’t let past incidents keep you from loving them back.

I’ll be honest with you and say that I’m not 100% over my previous relationship but I can tell you that I’ve come a long way since wailing every night in bed. And with that, I’m become a stronger, more independent person who knows her own worth and who is more cautious of her actions. A pretty good deal you could say. So even though there’s a small part of me that still hurts, I know that I’ve made it this far so making it the rest of the way is inevitable. Life’s fair that way.

Oh, and another thing. Trust your family and friends. They’ll be there for you through the highs and lows. Have a set of really really close friends like I do whom you can share everything with. They’re your backbone. Also, have a person in your family whom you’re close to. For me, it’s my sister. Family members tend to know more about you than you know so keep an open mind when they’re giving you advice. All these people, your friends and family, have most likely been through this situation before and while I’m not saying that everyone heals the same way, spending time with them lifts your spirits. They make you happy. And no one can ever have enough of happiness, now can they?

I’m not saying that this plan I have is foolproof cause I’m test-running it myself. It’s your life really and you have your own ways to feel better. But the point I’m trying to make here is, do whatever you can to learn to let go, you’ll know yourself better because of it. Letting go is a major part of life. It teaches you to cope with pain and loss. Yet at the same time, it opens the door to a new chapter of happiness in your life..

Pre-Post

2007-01-07T19:33:00.000+08:00

The night isnt over yet. But I thought I'd put in this post as a preliminary..

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty
He said, no.
She asked him if he would want to be with her forever
And he said no.
She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry
and once again he replied with no.

She had heard enough.

As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said

You're not pretty you're beautiful.
I dont want to be with you forever, I NEED to be with you forever.
And I wouldn't cry if you walked away, but I'd die.

I got this off a chain letter and while I dont usually pay heed to chain letters. I thought that this was exceptionally sweet. Think about it..

Bigger Better Things

2007-01-06T16:34:00.000+08:00

Today I've spent a lot of time thinking about my future. Mainly because I went to this Education Fair at the KL Convention Centre earlier today. Would you believe it? I was there from approximately 9:30 in the morning till about 1:00 in the afternoon. Looking at the various schools, the various courses they offer. Yeah, you could say it was rather informative but most of hte things they were telling me I already knew.

I've pretty much laid out the life ahead of me. I want a good job that makes unbelievable amounts of money. I want to be able to retire by the time I reach thirty five. I want to appear on the cover of TIME magazine even though I know it's virtually impossible. And by the end of my career I want my name to be known throughout the world as a symbol of success and power. You might think that this might sound somewhat mercenary but I'd do anything to get to where I want to be. If I have to step on a couple of peoples' heads then so be it.. I know what I want, and no one can stop me..

So the plan is, do my A-Levels, go to university, graduate, join a multi-million company, get to the top, make my millions. A simple vision no doubt but like many other things, it's easier said than done.

Prior to this afternoon, I've only considered doing my A-Levels abroad. Even now, the idea isnt completely eliminated. However, my sights have been opened to another possibility which is joining my sister's alma mater, KYUEM. Formerly known as KMYS. Though she was only there for 3 months, several friends of hers from there have gone on to Oxford, Cambridge, etc. so frankly, I dont think it's all that bad. Most of my cousins are from there as well..

But I'm still thinking about it. I mean, they were more than happy with my grades, but I need to sit down with my dad and sister and have a good talk..

I'm going out for dinner tonight with my sister and Kak Kim. It's Kak Kim's birthday dinner and I really should get some rest before I go. But can I leave you a question? : What do you think about my plans? Anything to say?

Tears

2007-01-06T00:40:00.000+08:00

Ever cried for the reason of 'just because'?? You find that the tears falling comes from pent up frustration, fear, stress, or pain? I had a good cry yesterday. A cry that was prompted by my mother, but it proceeded to something deeper, more close to home. These shortcomings that you keep within yourself are kept so that you appear strong to the world and you pray that if the world believes it, you might believe it too. But occasionally, they catch up with you that you cant hold it in anymore. You have to cry out. Praying that someone might hear you, yet hoping someone doesnt, so you can keep living out the farce.

Last night I cried from all the sorrow I've felt throughout the year. The pain of losing love. The stress of coping with exams. The frustration from the numerous arguments with my mother. So all of it came pouring out last night. In an unbelievable frenzy.

Usually, I would cry even more from the fact that I didnt have anyone to lean on but last night was different. I just needed time alone. Needed time to reflect. I thought was going through an emotional breakdown. It seemed that way. And to me, no one needed to see the hurt I was going through. In that sense, I guess I can never have a proper relationship with anyone. I've set walls for myself. Walls that were designed to protect me from pain. Anf although sometimes feelings get through the cracks. I've never truly collapsed. It's because of these walls that I never truly let anyone in. I know it's not a good thing, but I cant see myself trusting my entire being to a single person. Then again, I havent met the RIGHT one.. so probably when I do, IF I do, I'll probably change my tune..

So this morning, even though my cheeks were still streaked with the tears I've cried, I woke up, got off my bed, washed my face and put on the brightest smile I could manage. Today was a brand new day full of possibilities that I wont just let go because of what happened in the past.. I have to be strong..

But sometimes, late at night... the tears come once again..

Just Another Day...

2007-01-04T16:54:00.000+08:00

"Just a day just an ordinary day
Just trying to get by
Just a boy just an ordinary boy
But he was looking to the sky..."

Okay, minus the last line, that pretty much summarizes my day..

I woke up at an unholy hour of 7.00 a.m. today to rush for my theory driving test today. The place was in Cheras and my instructor said he'd pick me up and my house around quarter past 8. Eugh!. I mean, I dont wake up that late of course but even then, the earliest I wake up nowadays is 8.30. So waking up an hour and a half earlier and sleeping late to study for the bloody test aint that pleasant a combination.

So he picks me up at precisely 8.10 only to tell me that I'm inappropriately dressed. I mean, the top's fine, but cut-offs are a strict no-no. What the...?!! So fine, I run back up the hill of my house, pull on a pair of full length khaki linen trousers then run back down. Halfway there, I realise I've left my phone at home... Greeeeeaaaatttttttt....

Luckily for me, I had the foresight to bring a book and my pod. So aint that bad. In the car, the instructor was busy talking on the phone as usual and on the way we picked up two other dudes. We got to the test place and there were already a couple of people waiting. Apparently, the system was "offline" so there were some difficulties. And then.. JENG! JENG! JENG!.. a girl in the front was wearing cut-offs! Hmph! But forget her, I just wanted to get this test over and done with..

okay, so in the car, the instructor told me I had to get a perfect score on the first and second section. First section tests my ability to differenciate colours. Colour blind people cant drive. Okay, perfect score on that one. Second section was on vision. Nailed that one too. Now, the third and last section was about the laws, road signs, etc. which I had to score 42/50 or higher to pass. No pressure except that I only started studying last night! My fault completely..

So after waiting an eternity and then some, I finally got called in to do the test. Results : 43 / 50.. hey! I passed!! Now to wait 1 or 2 weeks for a call for my driving lessons to commence. I cant wait! Driving license here I come baby!

Also looking forward to the Japan trip. Leaving on the 17th for 4 days. Not bad la.. Staying at the Imperial Hotel in Tokyo. My mom's given me permission to go to Disneyland with the warning that pretty much every cartoon characted I've known in my life will look Japanese. I dont mind. I'm gonna go roller coaster CRAZY!!! Too bad I wont have anyone to come with me. My mom isnt to fond of roller coasters. Yeah, I'm gonna go on every single one then enjoy looking at the insides of a trash can from throwing up! That's part of the whole experience innit?

A thing to look forward to for sure. For the time being and the days to come.. I guess it's just gonna be ordinary days..

Dealing with Pre-Depression

2007-01-03T11:03:00.000+08:00

Elle's gone..

I suppose that everyone has to cope with loss sometimes.. I just wish that I didnt have to go through it so soon. She's one of the greatest friends I have, and now, she's just left me.. I cant call her anymore, communications will be through emails.. I wont be able to hear her voice anymore.. Remember that huge gap I was talking about.. It's getting bigger..

I remember the times we use to laugh over stupid things. Laugh at each other for the ridiculous things we used to say or do. I wont be able to do that anymore. I've lost my leaning stone and it'll be years before I see her again. And by then, she's probably forgotten me already. To anyone who's reading this, and if you dont know Elle, you've missed out on one of the greatest people in the world. A ball of sunshine yet always there to right you when you've done wrong.

I guess I'm heading towards pre-depression.

I'm not exactly depressed but I guess I might be slowly getting there. I have this loss to deal with as well as a nagging past that I thought I've left behind but it's caught up with me. I want to not feel this way.. I want Elle back..

Goodbye Elle, I'll miss you so much... Hello pre-depression, staying awhile?

The List

2007-01-01T22:40:00.000+08:00

I'd just finished watching "Monster-in-Law". God knows it's one of my favourite movies and like the millions of times I've watched it before, I laughed hysterically. Of course I couldnt help but pine at my sister of how much I wanted a guy like that. A guy like Michael Vartan's character in the movie. Except without the mother. My sister laughed saying that the guy comes with the package with his mother included. Dear God. So it got me thinking, will I ever love a guy so much that I'd be willing to put up with his psychotic mother? and if so, what would I want him to be like.. so I came up with this list. Some of the criterias are actually quite ridiculous but hey, I never did say I was going to stick to it! Sometimes you find yourself so utterly in love that nothing else matters anymore. But for the time being, I think I'll just stick to this list even though it might prove to be my undoing.. I'm too picky for my own good..

THE LIST

1. Tall if not taller than me
I've failed to submit to the fact that I'm not that tall to begin with so finding a guy taller than me wont prove to be too hard. Unfortunately, I also want the guy to be close to if not taller than 6 feet. Call me insane but hey! Who's list is this??

2. Intelligent
The guy has to be smart. He must be able to present himself well and must be well-read. I cant stand a guy who has no substance. And while I agree that he has to be smarter than me, he cannot let his ego take over completely. He shouldnt TELL me that he's smarter than me but rather I should realize it on my own.

3. Fit
I wouldnt want him to collapse suddenly in the middle of the street.

4. Humble
Who can ever argue with a person who respects other people first and foremost without any need for self praise

5. "match" factor
You see, ever since I knew what the whole girl-boy relationship was about, I began to notice a certain "match" factor between a couple. Have you ever seen a couple so physically different that it was amazing that they got together? and yet, at the same time, there was something there that made them.. well.. "match"?? It's hard to describe actually and up until today I havent had anyone who knows what I mean. So it's kinda hard to ask someone whether I match with a guy or not..

6. Well-mannered
While I appreciate guys who can hold up their naughty bit of a conversation, I would like him to be well-mannered with the people around him and his family.

7. Stubborn
Stubborn guys are generally determined therefore successful and while 'Successful' deserves a whole new number on its own, I wouldnt want to be described as a 'gold-digger' cause when it comes to the crunch, success doesnt matter that much.

8. Glasses
He MUST look good in glasses! An unusual quirk but I do go for the preppy type cute sometimes.

9. Humour & Sarcasm
Sense of humour and sarcasm is vital. I cant see myself ending up with a guy without either. Although he shouldnt be sarcastic to the point of hurting someone's feelings but rather to stir up a good joke sometimes which is why I've put humour and sarcasm together.

and the most crucial factor is..

10. Love
The guy I end up with has to have enough love to give to his family, to his friends, to the world, and though it might sound selfish but enough love for me. After all, there's no real limit to devotion. He must love every side of me without taking me for granted and while he realizes my faults he must accept me for who I am and slowly make me into a better person without being vindictive. I mean, the right person for you will always bring out the best in you...

I realize that I'm no prize to be won either but it's always good to keep a list of referrence everytime you meet a guy and even though I know that it's near impossible to find the 'perfect' guy one can only hope that if I do meet him.. I'll be his 'perfect' girl..

Autumn Rain

2007-01-01T15:24:00.000+08:00

This post was written awhile ago actually, but I had saved it under drafts. It's been ignored since then but after revisiting it, I really think it should be shared with the world. It's a part of me, a part of how I look out into the world. Read it, and you might just know me a little better.. Unlike most of the other posts I've written, this a post of thoughts of outlooks as opposed to a post of experiences.. Indulge your thoughts with this piece of me..

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It's pouring out there.. Even thunderstorm worthy I might say.. There's a cricket in my sister's room that just wouldnt SHUT UP! The first time I hit the mattress it went quiet for awhile. When I did it again.. well, lets just say that this cricket has gotten much wiser since the first time.. wish I had the care to fetch the bloody Baygon from under the sink downstairs.. for the time being.. I guess it can keep me company..

Have you ever noticed that rain, unlike any other type of weather, can symbolize so many emotions? Its kinda like autumn. Rain is my favourite weather and Autumn is my favourite season.

Rain can mean unrequited love. Its so common in Hollywood movies to have rain when the hero/heroine was hurt by the person they truly cared about. The rain that falls is sort of like the tears falling on a person's cheek. And yet, rain can also be therapeutic for when you're feeling heartbroken. As the rain falls, you feel like all the pain you're feeling is slowly being washed away with it.

Rain can also bring back memories of love or daydreams of future loves. Somehow, the sound of pitter patter on the rooftop lets you reminisce on the times where love was yours. Memories of the smiles and the laughter once shared. In the context of future loves, though it may sound so cliched, one might think of walking in the rain with the person you love right next to you holding your hand, leaning against you. The type of moments that you'd cherish for the rest of your life. So in a sense, rain can also mean happiness..

Who knew that a single type of weather could bring out so many feelings from a person..

Autumn...

Autumn is often interpreted as the season of heartache. While winter is the season of death, spring the season of new love , and summer the season of joy.. autumn is the season of reminiscence. The crisp sounds of fallen leaves and the new hint of cold winter winds dawn upon you gently, softly, like love lost. It's as if as the leave falls, so do your dreams and hopes. It's a painful season for some.. me too actually..

and Yet, autumn can also bring love. Somehow the new passion and heat of new love chases away the cold and a more basic feeling.. the season is just plain romantic. Somehow, the dim lighting of autumn provides a beautiful setting for walks in the park hand in hand with the person you love as well as intimate dinner and nights with them.

I love complex things, and though the message I'm trying to get through in this post might seem unclear.. the complexity, the different feelings that I have for rain and autumn are one of the things that remind me of the beauty of love and how, even though love is painful when it's lost, one cannot go through life without feeling love because in a way.. Love is the Only Way of Life..

I'll Wait..

2006-12-28T23:05:00.000+08:00

Dear True Love,

Sorry for bothering you again but I've had something on my mind for the past few days. I have, like many people in this world, secrets. Dark, dark secrets that, though I might be reluctant at first to tell you, I will share with you eventually. Just give me enough time.. I'm sorry that I have to keep these secrets from you even though I believe that there shouldnt be any secrets in a relationship. I'm just afraid that you'll judge me for these secrets. Dont turn me away once I tell you.. please...

Also, maybe for the time being, I guess we shouldnt meet. I need some time to enjoy my life as it is.. a life that centralizes around my family and friends. I've decided to open up myself to them and it's important that they know me thoroughly before I can start another relationship with someone else. Please dont take this as a way of turning you away, it's hardly that. Just let me find myself, find out who I really am before meeting you.. I can only hope that you'll wait for the right moment as I am.. that's all I ask for..

With all the love in my heart,

Your True Love

Nerves

2006-12-28T21:15:00.000+08:00

The whole day today I've been very 'on edge'.. It started out this morning with me trying to get ready for an outing with my mom. You see, if it was any other outing I wouldnt mind it so much, but no, today it was with Tun Raha so I had to look especially proper.. which literally meant that I had to look twice my age.. depressing I'm telling you..

My mom had a task of helping out Tun to make some nice clothes at Ratu, one of my mom's clients in Great Eastern Mall. It was simple enough actually but it took them nearly forever to get the right one and longer to get the right size. In the mean time, having the unreasonably short attention span that I do, I went walking around the place trying to find something even the slightest bit entertaining. Fortunately for me, I'd also brought a book I was reading at home with me. So while they were 'ooh'-ing and 'aah'-ing, I was lost in the passion of Alex Ridgeley and Emma Dunster. I so love historical romance... sigh..

Anyway, after sending Tun off at the entrance, my mom and I headed back in to have a look at some cameras. I thought she'd just wanted to survey the lot but instead, she walked out with a brand new Nikon camera. Gorgeous one too I might add.. We then went to the bank to take out some more money for my mom who'd spent more than half of the money we took out yesterday on the camera. While I was withdrawing money, Mama got a phone call from Tun saying that one of the blouses she bought off the rack couldnt fit, so my mom drove back to her place, took the damned thing, drove back to Great Eastern, dropped it off and THEN drove home.. Rather frantic morning if you think about it..

The rest of the day was spent worrying about asking my mom whether it was okay that I met up with Elle and Da tomorrow for Elle's farewell ( sniff sniff ). About a half hour just now I managed to gather enough wits to ask her and she said yes. She did say no however when I asked her if I could stay at Da's apartment overnight. Oh well, one out of two aint that bad.. and tomorrow, considering that I.. ummm.. have my monthly visitor, I wont have to worry about rushing home.. but Elle still wants to meet up with my sister.. have to arrange a dinner then after this..

Have also sorted out what to wear tomorrow in hopes that I wont have to rush so much in the morning.. have to be there by eleven to maximize hang out time.. cant wait for tomorrow and my mom has even agreed to lend me her brand new digital camera cause mine's in the workshop.. hehe.. check back with you tomorrow..

How Do I Love Thee..?? by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

2006-12-28T21:00:00.000+08:00

How Do I Love Thee? is my favourite poem and it's written by Elizabeth Barrett Browning.. This is how it goes..

How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach,
when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need,
by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, ---
I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! ---
and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

A helpless romantic's poem.. I cherish it..

Friendship is a Complicated Thing

2006-12-27T21:54:00.000+08:00

I spent the day today, pouring over the laptop trying to sort out my profile on Friendster. Something went wrong so I had to redo everything, also, I managed to insert a neat little slideshow of my pictures.. you can check it out yourself later...

okay, so what's the hot topic of my conversation today... perhaps, friendship..

In the beginning, I was somewhat cynical about the concept of friendship. I believed that every friendship had reasons which it was based on, reasons that DIDNT include, love, mutual understanding, and respect. If you havent guessed it yet, let me put it straight out to you : I had bad experiences when it came to 'friendship' and I totally blocked out my mind towards it.. It was one of the many mistakes I had to make to make me a better, well-shaped person today.. not perfect, but not totally beyond help..

The first lesson about friendship was the talk my mom and I had when I was still young because my sister had come home crying because of peer troubles. My mom put this as simply as possible.

"Baby ( I'm the youngest so yes, I will forever be called baby even if I'm 50 with a children of my own ), there are 3 kinds of friends in this world. Three friends that you ultimately need in your life to teach you things that you might not learn yourself

"the first kind of friend is the kind that you can learn from academically. These people are like sponges when it comes to knowledge and their thirst and determination for it will help them excel. You learn from them so you'll achieve the same success one day...

"the second type of friend is the type you learn from morally. This particular group of people might not be the smartest people you know, but they're first class when it comes to principles and beliefs. And while the first category of friends might be selfish at times, these friends will be with you no matter what happens. They will be with you through your ups and downs and will pick you up whenever you fall. You need these friends for support, to teach you to smile, and at teh same time respect others. These are the friends you will keep..

"the final type of friend is the type you learn from based on their mistakes. To these type of friends you say 'hello' and 'goodbye'. Dont hang around them too much for they might drag you into the same predicament they're facing. You learn from them not to do things. Have friends like these to remind you of your own principles and to strengthen them and while these friends are better off left alone, you should still have them to keep you in check.."

I remember thinking to myself that there were so many people in this world, so many different kinds of personality that it was impossible they could be grouped together in just 3 basic groups. But now, after going through life for a little while, I see now the wisdom that was passed on to me at such an early age. Thank you, Ma.

I admit regretfully admit that most of the friends I have now are the ones I carried over from Primary School and while I didnt shut myself out completely in secondary school, there are not many that I can see myself sitting with in my kitchen over a cup of coffee talking about life in the future.

Let me introduce you to each of my friends.. starting with my first to the last one I made.. close friends of course.. and ones I still keep in contact with..

Ry : I knew OF her when we were in primary school because our mothers would sit together talking while we were in classes. I knew her as the lanky girl and she knew me as the girl with the really bushy curly hair. Back then we werent that close but in standard 3, our mothers shifted us to a new school along with another girl. We became even more distant then for Ry and the other girl would spend time together and leave me in the lurch. Apparently, I had an attitude problem. I plead guilty to the fact that I boxed a girl in her tummy once and slapped another one with a case of books. Again, I had issues, so you can imagine how popular I was with the other 9 year olds. Reflecting on the two girls I 'tortured', I guess they deserved it.. Anyway, so yeah, Ry and I became very distant by the time we got into secondary school. We'd say hi to each other in the halls but that was it. Then, when we finished our PMR, Ry, Elle, and I went on a trip together to UK where we really managed to bond. Since then, we've been better. Not TOTALLY close, but we're okay..

Zunny : I knew her as the 'smart-ass-kid-who-skipped-a-year'. Of course we hadnt hit it off immediately because she was younger and we moved in different social circles. We started talking when I had tuition with the same tuition teacher she had. Puan Goh taught us Math and it's because of her, I love it so much. I LOVE YOU PUAN GOH!. Ahem... Where was I?? Okay, so yeah, we started with simple conversations, laughs here, giggles there.. and slowly our frienship started blossoming. Aside from the fact that she and I have mothers that share the same temperament, we agree on a lot of things. Now she's moved to the same area as me and it take me less than 10 minutes to get there. This comes in handy when we both need breaks from our parents. She's one of my closest friends now ( I think we've all grown out of the whole 'best friend' stage ) and I'm grateful that she did skip a bloody year!

Elle : She hated me. There's no putting it any other way. She heard what I'd done when I was 9 and I thought I was some rebel without a clue. I guiltily say that I hadnt heard of her until we got to Standard 6. It was also this special year that I made friends with the most generous and kind-hearted person I know. It started innocently enough, we were put on the prefectorial board, she, the head girl, and me, her assistant. We'd naughtily skip class claiming that we had 'prefect work' to do. And every half hour, I'd accompany her to the bathroom for her to comb her hair, she was very vain when it came to her hair and still is! We started hanging out a lot that year and I also introduced her to my sister. Now, she's practically in love with my sister ( Kak Nik ) ! she and Ry both actually. Since then, she's been my confidant and the centre of my support system. She's given me advice when I needed them, given me her support when I was broken, given me her shoulder when I cried, and yes, given me a good tongue-lashing when I did something ridiculous. Not stupid ridiculous, that we do all the time, but ridiculous as in doing things without thought or proper judgement. She's been with me through all the important things in my life and I'm scared that I'll ever lose her. She's going to UK you see, on January 3rd 2007. From then on, I cant call her to laugh about things, to cry, to complain.. it's like theres a huge gap in my soul, a gap that she used to fill.. I'll miss her so much that it hurts thinking about it..

Da : The most recent friends I made. I recall that we met once at a public speaking competition where she sat next to me. One she won and I didnt. She went to Sarawak and I didnt! We were in different schools then but in form one, though I didnt remember her from before then, we met each other for a second time. She was in a different class though. We hung out a lot actually but she was closer to the seniors so we werent that close. She was also a cheerleader.. *shudder*.. Anyway, the following years we'd see each other occasionally during recess, etc. but other than that we kept our distance. She'd come to me to ask about study-related subjects. Once, fifteen minutes before our mid-year exam, she ran into my class ( which was across the hall from hers ) and asked me to give her a crash course on the final topic. I wanted to wring her neck! After the exam, she laughed and said she hadnt remembered a single thing I said.. I wanted to draw and quarter her.. In form four, she and I ended up in the same class. Elle was sitting next to me, and she next to Elle so we were both constantly vying for Elle's attention. This was when the trouble started. Everytime I'd answer a teacher's question she'd make a smart-alec remark that nearly drove me over the edge. It got so bad at one point that our English teacher actually asked us to stay after class just to ask us the reason behind our hostility because obviously I wouldnt just shut up everytime she said something about me. This didnt stop even until Form Five when it became even worse cause it was mixed with exam-stress. Again, poor Elle was sitting in between the two of us so she'd be literally caught in the line of fire. There was one time where she said something so annoying that Elle and Katie ( the girl sitting to the left of me ) and to physically restrain me from exploding. I was shivering from trying to control my temper. It was the first time in my life that that had ever happened. After that, we hadnt spoken to each other for months. It wasnt until close to the end of the year when she approached me about the SAT's because she found out that I was taking them. We started hanging out a lot after that. She was always staying over mostly cause of my invitation. Now, she's my beam of support and I'm hers. We call each other whenever we've got problems. She's always there for me, calming me down, making me feel better, giving me advice, listening when all I wanted was to pour my heart out.. and I've done the same for her. We've come a long way, she and I, and I dont regret any moment we've spent together..

And while all the friends stated above are the friends I'd trust with my life, there are some I adore and will always remember. Like Christie, Farah, Yen Shan, Honey, Louis, Katie, Ju, Diyana. I'll always have a special place in my heart for them. Yet, there are also friends whom I used to keep in the ranks of Da and the rest but now left out. I've learnt things about them and seen their true selves that I cant believe I ever associated myself with them and while I regret that I've lost them, I feel liberated knowing that at least I found out earlier in life.

So you see, friends do play an important part in your life, but I'm sure you know that already. They're there to listen to you when you cant tell your family and they're there to tell your family when they think you need more serious help. I wouldnt trade my friends in for anything and you shouldnt either.. having friends isnt a right, it's a gift...

Family Connections

2006-12-25T22:27:00.000+08:00

Your family is made up of the most important people in your life. Whether you're starting one of your own or one you didnt have a say in choosing, they're the most influential part of your life whether you admit it or not. Sure, friends do play a part. But look at it this way, before you could talk or walk, the first people around you were your family and that's what really counts doesnt it?

I have to admit, that aside from the feuds, the battle scenes, the quirks, my family is just perfect as it is. While they have the ability to make me feel an inch tall, they also have the power to make me feel like I'm on top of the world. You should accept your family as they are and love them for all their good and less-than-good moments.

I have a huge family. Extended family of course. You have this person who raised this person but then this person actually has a cousin who is our 3rd cousin twiced removed, etc. but we're kelantanese, so we're ALL family. The most prominent name that ascends my family line is the Sulong name.

My grandmother was a Sulong and she had two other brothers and one other sister. My grandmother was the eldest. My great uncle, Tok Cik Din, as the family calls him ( his real name is Zainal Abidin Sulong) was an ambassador when he was still working and he headed a lot of private companies and he still does! My great aunt Tok Jah.. hmmm.. I dont know her real name.. but I dont see her that often anyway.. Then of course there's Tok Su Boy ( real name : Kassim Sulong ). He co-founded KassimChan, the local consulting firm that merged with Deloitte and where my Dad works now. Tok Su Girl, my great uncle's first wife, is here quite often who comes with Jay, my fashion guru aunt.

So here's the cool part to my family, we have our own golf championship. The Sulong Cup. It's a very exclusive thing where outsiders can only join by invitation. Other than that it's just family. We play at Templer Park Gold and Country Club, my Dad's club in Kuala Selangor. At least, I think it's cool..

Okay, I'm getting pretty sleepy.. night night.. kinda sudden, innit? hehe..

La Vida Lujosa

2006-12-25T19:12:00.000+08:00

Before I put in this post, I'd like to state my case that the 'Letters to a True Love' category doesnt mean I'm going insane. It's part of my jiwang moments but this time instead of taking it out in anger, I'm going to turn it into something more productive. It was triggered by my failure to muster enough courage to ask this guy for his number yesterday, who by the way is the cutest guy I've ever seen in KL. It made me realise something. Something about me that I shut away some time ago but now it's back, and I'm not afraid to bear my soul to others. There's going to be more letters addressed to this unknown person, so keep reading!

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My day today was spent lazing around at La Bodega in Bangsar Shopping Centre, and I mean, nearly the ENTIRE day.. I got there around eleven thirty and I stayed there till about four in the evening. Time sure flies when you're kicking back, having a drink, and laughing your pants of with people close to you. So maybe the people around me werent exactly the ones closest to me apart from my sister but hey, close enough. The first round ( i.e. from 11:30 to 14:00 ) was with kak kim and kak michelle, my sister's classmates. The second round ( from 14:00 to 16:00 ) were with Kak Kim and Halim, also my sister's classmate. Damn funny dude I'm telling you! Someone who could really cheer you up regardless of the circumstances.

I Google-d the word 'La Bodega' just now and do you know what it means? the Warehouse! What the...?! For a very chic place why in the world would it be called the Warehouse? hmmm.. I guess there must me some secret behind the name.. but in essence of the Spanish lazy day today, the title of this post has been tweaked. The term 'La Vida Lujosa' means the Luxurious Life cause that's how I spent my day today, in luxury.

The idea was to go there for brunch and before this, my sister had been raving about it. So okay, I was sort of looking forward to it and because of the location, I was doubly excited. Bangsar is the hotspot for diplomats, celebrities, and socialites because of their cafe's and non-intrusive crowds. My kind of place. The brunch was a perk.

We hadnt told our mom yet that we were going out so this morning we sort of charmed our way in getting permission to go. The fact that my mom was also planning to go to Seremban today also helped. It's common knowledge that my mom wont mind so much if were going out if she was going out as well. Unfortunately, mommy dearest also asked us to drop off something at our Godmother's store in the complex itself. Dont get me wrong, my sister and I love seing our godmother, it's just that my mother took such a long time preparing things that we were supposed to take to Aunty Tracy ( our godmom ) that we were almost late for our brunch date. My sister is a stickler for perfect timing.

Doop dap doop dap.. we were on our way!

We got there just in time to order ( brunch menu's only last till noon ) and so we also ordered for Kak Kim who was on the way. Kak Michelle was already there waiting for us when we got there. My sister was also very miffed that I didnt order the famous La Bodega big breakfast but instead ordered plain ol' pancakes. I wasnt very adventurous this morning and thinking about it, I didnt like their combination of foods either. By the way, the pancakes wasnt great. I highly do not recommend it.

Our conversation during brunch was about childhood experiences, jobs, etc. Might sound nothing to you, but it was damn funny cause the topic was centralized on the people that were involved rather than the thing itself. I wouldnt mind doing it again really.

Afterwards, we accompanied Kak Kim to do some really really Last Minute Christmas shopping but Kak Michelle had to go home. The criterias for the presents were: cheap and quirky. Not exactly, Bangsar Shopping Centre type material but in the end, we found this store somewhat hidden on the side that were selling really really cheap clothes. My sister and Kak Kim immediately ran for the boxers section to get something for Halim. He hadnt arrived then. Trick was it had to be orange but the girls didnt have trouble whatsoever in locating one. They bought it just in time before Halim got to the place. Not forgetting this gorgeous compact mirror I saw in one of the stalls. I was planning to get one, but my sister wouldnt let me. Oh! And how can I possibly forget, I GOT MYSELF A SANTA HAT! hehe.. i've always wanted one.. and now I have one! My sister took a very unflattering photo of me with the santa hat on but I dont mind.. I guess Christmas season does have an effect on you...

The rest of the afternoon was spent pretty much like morning only with more laughing due to the double-meaning conversation we had. Halim played a part in that. But at four, we all called it a day.. cause my mom called.

Since I got home, nothing much has happened and even though it might sound like a boring day, it was far from it. This was the best Christmas I've had so far and I didnt even need snow! So yes, spend this day with your loved ones and fill the day with as much joy as you possibly can. Christmas isnt about presents and material things, Christmas is about celebrating Life and Love. Merry Christmas once again to you all! And to all a good night!

Yuletide Greetings!

2006-12-25T01:18:00.000+08:00

Merry Christmas to All! and May All Your Wishes Come True! also Happy Hanukkah!

Hopes and Dreams

2006-12-25T00:45:00.000+08:00

Dear True Love,

How're you doing? I hope everything's fine.. Wouldnt want you to contract a disease or anything like that. How's life treating you? Is everything going the way you planned? I know I havent met you, but I do really care. I want to know all about your dreams and wishes. Maybe someday you'll share them with me? They say a relationship is based on conversation, trust, and respect, and I couldnt agree more. I hope I'm not freaking you out with words like "relationship" but I'm sure we'll come to accept it one day.

I really want to meet you, you know. Somehow I think that my life would be so much different once I've met you. Nowadays I cant help but think about what you might be doing? how are we going to meet? If you think about it, it really is quite cool, you literally never know when your true love might come walking around the corner. But you're my true love arent you.. I hope I can keep you till we grow old.. Isnt that what true love is all about?

I have to admit that I've been through many things in life. Some full of laughter and joy and some, not so pretty. Each of these things however teaches me stuff I need to know for my future. It makes me stronger, makes me a better person. Either good or bad, I'm grateful for my experiences for they've made me who I am. I wish you'd accept me as I am in the future. Love is about seeing past flaws and imperfections and seeing the true beauty that's inside. That's another thing I have to confess to, I'm not that pretty either. So I hope that you can love me for what's inside...

I can be stubborn sometimes but know that I only do it cause I think I'm right. I might appear unyielding sometimes but I'm actually quite a softie. I also hope that you're smart. I like guys who're smart. In fact, you should be smarter than I am. Just make sure you dont tell me that. Girls love it when their man is smarter than them just as long as they dont discard a girl's advice. Listen to me occasionally, okay, most of the time.. I can come up with reasonable answers to questions.. just dont tease me.. I'm shy..

Later on, I wish we could do simple things that couples do. I dont expect lavish presents or expensive love tokens. All I want is to feel loved by you. To feel cherished. I want to walk through the park with you, hand in hand knowing that you'll never let me go. I want to sit by the beach with your arms wrapped around me knowing that like the sea, our love is endless. I want to listen to all the troubles you had at work and be there to massage your feet and forehead when you've had a long day. I want to be your best friend, your companion, your love.

I hope you like to read cause I do very much. Reading, I believe is a very productive way to spend your time and it also helps develop your imagination. We're able to travel to places we could only dream of and experience things normal, everyday people would never see in their lifetime. I hope you share the same passion as I do.

You should also beg me to not take you to my parents house every weekend. I might seem angry and complain but know that I love you even more because even though visiting my parents will seem hard to you, you do it anyway because you love me and know that my parents are important to me. And because I love you just as much if not more, I will still visit your parents!

I want our relationship to be filled with laughter and happiness yet even I know that fights and arguments are inevitable. Just as long as we dont leave each other and give up, arguments are a sign of a healthy relationship. I want us to kid around and surprise each other occasionally just to show how much we love each other. Although, it doesnt have to be too frequent. Ruins the whole surprise thing..

We should also dance together. It would feel right just like everything else in out relationship. Above us, stars would shine and illuminate each other's face and a feeling of completion would overwhelm us and the only thought crossing through our heads is how lucky we've found each other. I could be asking for too much though with this one..

Dont worry love. I'll still give you your space. Time with the boys will be uninterrupted. No phone calls, no text messages. It's your time to kick back and be one of the guys. I dont mind, because I know when your time out is over, it's me whom you come home to. It's my arms that you will be in at night and I know that you're thinking that sure, you enjoy time off with the boys but you're just glad to be home to be with me..

I might be asking for too much here.. But then again, you are my true love.. you are perfect. I Love You past, present, and future. I'll love you even after death takes me from you. My soul might no longer be with you, but my heart is yours always. I love you.

With All the Love in My Heart,

Your True Love.

p/s : I cant wait to meet you!! I'll write to you again soon.

Shocker!

2006-12-21T18:48:00.000+08:00

So okay, I've been trying to avoid IT for several weeks now, and up until this afternoon everything was going swell... no accidental run-ins, to going to the club ( God knows that's his second home! ) and strictly NO CALLING.. da has been a real trooper too. Helping me dodge and all.. But like I said, everything was going well until I went to KLCC today

My mom had some major errands to run today, and I, being a permanent fixture at home, was of course given the honour of being her companion. Everything was going fine. Then on impulse my mom asked me to stop by Chamelon ( a cheap hair accesories store in KLCC ) to get her this headband that she wanted to get for Ate. Plan was, she drops me at the main entrance of Ampang Mall, I go down the escalator then come out at Isetan cause then my mom wont have to turn around too far. So okay, I dash in ( praying that no one I know will see me! ), grab the thing, queue the very very long line, pay and run into Isetan. Everything was still going la di da di. I get on the escalator and catch my breath before making a final dash to the car. I get to the ground floor, see the exit up in front and start slipping in between the crowd to get to the exit when... DISASTER STRIKES! MAJOR!

I seriously throught I was home free when I touched the cold metal of the doors but boy was I wrong. I saw IT, with a girl whom I think is IT's sister. I panicked. I DID NOT WANT TO SEE HIM. IN FACT, IF I HAD THE CHANCE, I WOULDNT WANT TO SEE HIM IN A MILLION YEARS! anyway.. enough with the emphasized expressions.. So I dodged them as they were coming in and I ran to my car. Thankfully, my mom was already waiting. God knows whether they saw me.. Hope they didnt.. For awhile after that I was shaking.. That was too close for comfort.. Da yelled at me for being so ridiculous but I screamed at her back explaining my situation. She calmed. Thanks to that Mad Moment, I've got myself a cut, and a semi-sprained foot which acts up a little when I walk.. however, like all bad things, much like the Mad Moment, it will pass.. Dear God, please tell me they didnt see me!!

Okay.. other things that happened today..

I slugged around the house till about ten forty five this morning. My mom wanted to go to the bank to pay off some debts. So I took a shower, got dressed and headed my merry way to the bank with my mom. I get to the bank and they're undergoing maintainance. The ATM's that werent being tweaked, could only give out 10 dollar bills.. NO WAY am I going to take out $5000's worth of 10 ringgit. I got back into the car, my mom asks me why I didnt have any money with me, I explained and she said we'll go back later.

Then we headed to Kapas at Great Eastern for my dress fitting for my Dad's annual dinner tomorrow night. The dress turned out beautifully although I would've preferred it in a less 'interesting' colour combination of lilac and yellow. But oh well, at least the cut was perfect!

Afterwards, we went back to the bank, took out money, ( this time with 100 bills no less! ) then dropped by KLCC ( I shudder thinking about it again ). Then, we went straight to the airport, okay, so maybe it's not your typical errand-running day, to pick up my mom's business acquaintance. Now here's the funny part.

My mom takes me to this other airport, which I've never heard of till today, and tells me that this airport is for people travelling cheap, aka Air Asia. We get to the airport and the infrastructure on the outside seems appealing. However, when you get inside, it's absolutely MAD!! Children running around here and there ( I love children but not when I there's a chance I might accidentally step on them ), tour groups stopping in the middle of the way suddenly, unattended luggage.. This is one of the many initiatives I need to keep me studying.

Note to self : Make obscene amounts of money so wont have to travel cheap.. *shudder* better yet, get own jet and avoid commercial flights altogether.. yeah, that sounds like a plan..

So we wait there for about a half hour and then my mom realizes that we're at the wrong airport. The lady's waiting for us at KLIA proper.. LO-VE-LY. We fly ( at the speed my mom was driving, it would qualify as flying ) to the RIGHT airport to find that the amount of luggage that the ladt was carrying was massive! She had two full size luggage bags and two other smaller ones and a box. Get this, we had to fit all that, and 4 people into the Beamer. Thanks to my mother's refusal to drive the van. Although, we did manage to pull it off. How we did it? I dont want to remember but we did it. And still the car could move! We could've been a good BMW advert.

On our way home, Mom realized that she hadnt prayed yet, neither had I, so we fly home and make it just in time to pray. Now she's out with that lady to Tun Raha's house.

Tun Raha is Malaysia's second prime minister's wife and although Tun Abdul Razak has passed on, his son, Dato' Seri Najib, is Malaysia's current second-in-command. My mom is also doing a favour for me.. hehe..

Il Divo, the wonderful wonderful quartet is coming to Malaysia on the 16th of January. However, cheapest tickets are $500 and at those seats you see them like little dots in the distance. The most expensive are $2500 and YET, they're sold out. Maniacs I tell you! Maniacs with too much money! Give it to me! Give it to me!

So back to the subject of my mom doing me a favour, CIMB is the official sponsor of the concert and the Chairman of CIMB is none other than Tun Raha's ( other ) son. My mom said she'll help me out. I told her that I didnt have to go the the concert, I just wanted backstage passes to see them! And even though I have a strict now fawning policy over artists, I'll make an exception this time. IT'S IL DIVO AFTER ALL. I want autographs, pictures, the works! I dont care! Considering that my mom is somewhat of a fashion consultant to Tun Raha.. hehe.. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.. she hasnt gotten back yet.

So yeah, that's another shocker in the life of me. Tomorrow, I have to get my hair done, eyebrows done and then prep for the dinner tomorrow night. It's going to be at Hilton and I cant wait to go!

Oh! How can I forget? Yesterday, ( regardess of the fact that I wore totally wrong shoes to go shopping and they hurt like HELL! ) I went to KLCC to shop for my sister's Christmas presents. As in, she gave me money to buy presents for her colleagues / bosses. Bla bla bla bla bla, we got the presents but then we went into Naf Naf.

My mom initially wanted to show me this wool jacket that she saw previously at a different Naf Naf in Sunway Pyramid. We got there and we found it. We also found this GORGEOUS brown coat that I absolutely adored. After several begs, she let me buy it along with the black wool jacket. I smile everytime I look at that jacket. I just hope I get a chance to wear it, i.e. i get accepted in a British college.

I think I hear my mom downstairs.. hehe.. gotta check on the progress.. adios!

The Balance

2006-12-18T17:17:00.000+08:00

Life is full of mysteries. I'm sure many of you are more than aware of that. It is also full of pain, suffering, grief.. and yet there are some moments of pure happiness that you know no matter what happens in life, you will never regret those times.

There are many things I've gone through up to this point that I have regretted and at the same time, moments I'll cherish till I'm old and grey.. I suppose it's part of growing up..

If you were to have utter sadness for all your life, you'd grow up to be a person forever shadowed by sorrow, never seing the beautiful things in life. You'll never be able to cherish the things you do have and you'll spend the rest of your life regretting the fact that you were ever born. I'm positive that everyone has gone through at least one moment of such turmoil in their lives but to have it dictate your entire existance would just be... well.. there isnt a word for it, I guess..

However, if you were to have happiness throughout your whole life, you wouldnt know what true happiness is..

In a sense, there must be a balance of the two in a person's life. You need sorrow to keep you from being too big headed, to remind you that not everything in life can be taken for granted and at the same time, you need happiness to keep you sane ( I'm not kidding ), to make you realize that not everything in this world is evil and "happily ever after" can truly exist.

I'm not going to mince words here, I've been depressed to the point of semi-depression for a few days already that smiling just doesnt happen for me anymore. Yeah, the Il Divo concert is coming to KL which is certainly something I'm looking forward to but until Abang Nizar can help me out with the tickets, that too will be a very sensitive topic for me. Although, that still hasnt stopped me from having daydreams about meeting the members of that delicious quartet. Yum yum!

What else?

Oh yeah, my dad's annual dinner is coming up this Friday and I cant wait to see the entertainment they've arranged this year. My sister, however, is going to be frightfully busy up to that momentus night arranging guests, etc. The theme this year is black and white. The last time I went it was a masquerade party not that my dad and I went along with the whole thing. Sure we had the masks or for about 15 minutes but then I got to itchy and annoying..

I'm also thinking about resitting my SAT's. For sure, the results of my last seating werent too great and I only hope that after gaining what little experience I have from the last time, I'll go into that exam hall more mentally prepared. Might also check out the sights there, if you know what I mean... cheeky, I am..

The quest to find the perfect driving school still hasnt produced any fruits thanks to my mother's paranoia.. but I'm sure in the next week to come, our labour will finally pay off... hopefully.. for my sake...

I'm gonna go play blackjack or literati now. I recall mentioning my addiction for it in a previous post and since then, my obsession had somewhat withered slightly. Before that, my sister was getting quite worried that I kept screaming at the screen if someone were to put a word in my spot or the dealer would trump my count.. oh well.. we all grow up a little bit everyday... it's how we do it that makes it an interesting ride...

Celebration Season

2006-12-13T21:25:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was my birthday and in the beginning, I didnt think it was such a great day. It started simply enough but then all of a sudden, my mom starts yelling at me for not registering for my driving license and not submitting my college applications yet ( I plead guilty to the latter ).

Afterwards, I had to run a couple of errands. First, I had to go to school and have my assistant head mistress sign a couple of documents that I had to send for my applications and afterwards to the camera store on Jalan Bukit Bintang, Photo Shangri-La. There was something wrong with the camera cause everytime I took a picture, it'd come out at first then when I want to have a look at it again, the words "memory card error" flash out.. no pictures. Initially, I thought it was the memory card that was creating problems, then, when I brought it there, they tested the camera with their own memory card and still the same thing happened, so now I've sent it for evaluation and they said they'll call me when they get an estimate of the repair charges.

On my way out, because my driver has strategically parked the car on the side of the road and to get from the store to the car I had to climb over a cement up-step thingy which had soil on the other side. Thinking that it was solid soil I climbed over and stepped onto the ground only to have soil up to my ankles! Luckily for me, there were wet wipes in the car so I could wipe everything off.

After that, I went straight to KLCC to meet up with my friend Anis. Oh, and Da came by around 8 yesterday morning and pretty much followed me the whole day. So after several hours on our quest to find the perfect dress for her, we finally found it at Eclipse and we got her matching shoes to go with it as well. Not bad for a budget of $300. I had to run home at 1600 hours before the general would explode. Not 30 seconds after I get into the car she calls screaming at me telling me that if I dont come home soon, she'll lock me out of the house till dawn tomorrow.. Gee thanks, Ma.. It's the best birthday present any daughter could ask for.. yelling, nagging, yelling and oh wait... yeah.. more nagging.

While we were there, Da told me that she wasnt going to the prom because of a lot of personal reasons. But the most important one I think, was the fact that she didnt have a dress. When I asked her to get one for herself she told me that she was in a financial snit and if she blew it all on one dress ( which wasnt expensive anyway ) she wouldnt be able to make it through the month. Every girl deserves to go to the prom.

So that evening, I came home, hung out with my cousin, who came with my aunt in the morning and pretty much stayed the whole day, and started getting ready for dinner. I might have mentioned it before but I dont recall.. The guest list was supposed to be Zunny, my sister, and I. We had reservations at Gobo Restaurant on the 5th floor at Traders Hotel. I found the hotel after getting a recommendation from my sister's friend, Kak Kim, for their Skybar ( top floor of Traders). But as I was surfing the hotel page, I came across the restaurant and fell madly in love with it. It was fushion cuisine of japanese and italian.. GOOD STUFF! The idea was that we check it out last night and tonight I could bring my other friends for my birthday dinner.

There was a manic jam to the hotel and midway through, our darling Zunny exclaimed that she needed to "shi-shi" which means that she needed to pee... bad.... So when we got to the hotel, my sister asked me to go down first with Zunny to find a restroom in the lobby. My sister valet-ed. There was a problem though, no restroom in the lobby and my feet were killing me. I was trying to break in my shoes that I'm supposed to wear tomorrow night for my prom ( all broken in now! yay! ). So there we were scooting up to the 5th floor and I told Zunny that my sister was on the same floor. We even bypassed the restaurant to get to the restroom.

So after Zunny did her business, we went into the restaurant. Gorgeous ambience! and even as I was walking past the buffet ( japanese and italian both by the way! ) the food looked delicious. We were walking towards our table in the corner when I noticed the silhoutte of the table and I thought to myself, why would the table be so long if it's just for the 3 of us? Before I could finish the thought, I saw my friend Louis's head followed by a chorus of the Happy Birthday song. I wanted to run in the opposite direction! Everyone was there. Well, at least everyone I wanted there was there...

Yen Shan, Farrah, Da, Louis, Elle, Ry, and Chrystal.. and of course Zunny and my sister.

We hugged we kissed and we got down to business. Food. And was it good. I highly recommend the place myself.

Throughout dinner, we were laughing loads. Talking about everything and laughing about every two way understanding in a statement.. the most famous that I think I'll always remember was Louis's detachable strawberries.. ( you do NOT want to know! )

It was a great night and I couldnt've imagined it any better. Afterwards, Louis went home with his dad, Chrystal with her mom, Farrah drove so she sent Yen Shan home as well ( we were supposed to meet Yen Shan at Ampang Point to keep her company while her sister comes, but we had to stop over to fill up petrol that she called to say that her sister had already picked her up ), Da went back with Eric, her boyfriend ( whom I'll always adore for giving me that Coach bag charm! ), and Zunny came home with me and stayed over.

Today, the 13th, is my sister's birthday!

We, Zunny and I, wished her at midnight then talked till about 2 in the morning. I woke up and 8 and called Eric to talk to him about Da's predicament. He helped out so in the end I bought her a purple dress that she liked so much yesterday and it came with a shawl. Tomorrow, she's going to sort out her shoes and we're going to get our hair done together. So the crowd's probably gonna be me, Da, Anis, and Zunny. Yes, Zunny might be coming to the prom! she hasnt confirmed yet cause her mom has to ask her dad about it.

I went for my dress fitting today and while it helped hide my butt, the top part made my body look big. Not a good thing considering that my best asset is that I have a small torso. After a few words with the designer, we managed to convince him to take in a couple of inches off the top and waist and shorten the length cause even with my 3 inch heels, it was brushing the floor.

So tomorrow's the prom and my heart is beating fast with anticipation. I hope my dress turns out well. All in all, the last couple of days havent been so bad even with certain shortcomings.. in fact, I couldn't have wished for a better way to celebrate my first two days of being 17..

Seventeen

2006-12-11T23:28:00.000+08:00

Many apologies for not writing in lately. I've just discovered that I have an addiction for Yahoo! games... Blackjack, Poker, Literati, and Word Racer mainly. I've even discarded my minesweeper joy.. WHAT THE..??!!

Lately, I've also been busy looking for nice restaurants to have my birthday dinner. Who knew that pretty places have shitty menus? The places I've checked out are Top Hat, beautiful place but it didnt live up to my expectations, Citron Cafe, eugh!, and Bon Ton, gorgeous place but limited food options. Other options that I havent visited are Tamarind Springs ( which is a stone's throw from my house ) and Alexis (although their menu leaves something to be desired ). By the way, my birthday dinner has been postponed to the 13th because my family wants to spend my birthday with me. However, I am going out tomorrow with Da and an old old old friend of mine, Anis, whom I've never seen since mid 2005.

My efforts in finding a date for the prom are still going on but I've consented to my sister asking that crush of mine to take me. I mean, you never know if it's the start of something new.. (High School Musical plays in my head). Prom dress is also MIA.. if they dont finish it by the 14th I'm gonna burn the bloody store even though they're clothes are as pretty as hell.

I'm turning 17 in 16 minutes... whoopie doo...

IT called just now to wish me happy birthday.. I didnt pick up but heard the voice mail he left.. it was sweet of IT though so I texted IT saying thanks for the birthday wish.. IT has brought me so much pain and tears that the only way to move is up.. It'll get better than this.. I will stop hurting inside and I will stop missing the times we had together. Sure, they happened, and they'll always be with me, but it a lesson I have to learn and perhaps, with this new found knowledge.. I'll learn to love again..

Well whaddya know.. I'm 17.

Plans are Underway!

2006-12-05T20:43:00.001+08:00

Another uneventful day in the life of me. Initially, I tried arranging a movie thing with Da and Zunny but that didnt turn out well cause our darling Aminah Wong ( an alias for Zunny ) had her grandmother over and her parents had entrusted her to take care of the poor little old lady while there were away. Even when I invited her out for a drive she didnt budge. She couldnt very well leave her grandma with her sister all alone at home. Dont know the extent of Zunny's trust when it comes to her sister..

Da has been rather quiet as well today but me thinks I'll see her and Aminah tomorrow. Hopefully cause I'm going rather mad.. For a movie no less but what movie I still have yet to decide. We've somewhat agreed on Cinta but it doesnt exactly make my heart beat faster so I will have to rethink my options.

After a looooooooooooonggggggggggggggg day at home, my mom, my sister and I went to GEM ( Great Eastern Mall ) for a supposedly 'short' outing. My sister has exams coming up and she needs to study.. much to my dismay. However, knowing my mother, she spent nearly 3 hours at the FIRST store but after considering the expression on my sister's face, she didnt take up much time at the second. By the way, my dress still isnt ready yet.. Me thinks I'm cutting it a wee bit too close..

Now on to my next project, my birthday party. For those still unaware, my birthday is exactly a week from now, December 12th and this year I've planned a quiet sit down party preferably at a posh restaurant will killer ambience. What I have in mind are converted bungalows but I am somewhat willing to compromise depending on the food and reputation ( a little materialistic, I am ). I have texted my dad for a $1000 budget but I didnt tell him that it was only for 10 including myself. Guest list includes, Chrystal, Yen Shan, Elle, Ry, Da, Zunny, Honey, Dina, and Pam. 10 girls on one night fine dining. Feel like joining??

Subsequently, I have been researching restaurants and those that have caught my fancy are Ceylon Hill Cafe and Top Hat. Smack dab in the middle of the city and gorgeous ambience.

For the time being, I havent confirmed anything but I do have my fingers crossed. I want to make this night a night to remember and the company are made up of the most wonderful people I have ever met, and that's the theme of that night, Celebrating the Wonderful. Friends. Till tomorrow then..

Dum Dum Di Dum

2006-12-04T19:38:00.000+08:00

Things today have been somewhat uneventful. One thing of course, Zunny has finished SPM ( finally! ) along with my darlings, Farrah, Chrystal, and Yen Shan. Unfortunately, Zunny has made dinner plans with our senior ( who still remains unknown to me ) whilst the trio have made separate plans and gone to watch a movie with my neighbour and friend, Sophie. The novelty of post-SPM has worn off for me and I have spent the last day vegitating at home in front of the TV accompanied with the use of the lappy..

By the way, my mom got home today and she hasnt stopped whining. Not so much about her trip but she's sunddenly become so helpless that everything has to be done for her. Hmmm.. then again, she's always been like that.. guess I just forgot about it while she was away.. those were good times...

I'm contemplating what to do tomorrow though.. Farrah had extended an invitation to go to the hairdressers for a hair treatment.. yeah, my hair is a bit dry.. so the date was supposed to be tomorrow, dont know whether she was serious or whether she still remembers.. Either way, I wont be going.. I dont have the guts to ask my parents for more money to do my hair when I spent $400 that day to colour it.

Yeah, now that's something I forgot to mention.. I am partially blonde now! Ironic or what? So I coloured my hair a base colour of light brown then made really really bright highlights. My mom and sister arent too please about it but my friends seem to adore it! Several other people also said I look great, I look caucasian.. It's sooooooo funny! But hmmmm...

I've also gotten my SAT reasoning test results after harassing CollegeBoard a couple of times. Didnt do as well as I'd hoped. It wasnt totally disasterous but it wasnt as good as I hoped it would be.. am I going to tell you? No way! hahahah... maybe some other time ..

Scrabble has pretty much taken up my time as well and I have a feeling that Mr Scrabble and I will get very well acquainted with one another.

Preparations for my prom are still underway. My mom brought home a pair of shoes that I was supposed to wear to my prom but it couldnt fit! The reason why she wanted to get it there was because it was cheaper there and she wanted to get my mind off those Stuart Weitzmans I saw at KLCC. Honestly, I'm not really that hung up on those shoes but my sister and mom are making such a fuss over it that I feel compelled to accomodate them.. weird, I know

The Bangkok trip might be cancelled after all. I dont really feel like travelling much after my birthday.. I want to concentrate on getting my license and throw myself into community service. Although, I have been weighing the idea of going to Club Med in Cherating. But I must check on the prices and I must break it to my mom that the trip in cancelled and I doubt that that wont be too hard.. two words are more than enough to convince my mom "Save Money"

I guess that's all for the time being.. Havent had much activity for the past few days.. But if anything interesting happens I promise that it'll appear on the site.. goodnight my honeys!

Canine Catastrophy

2006-12-03T21:54:00.000+08:00

He has a dog?! My sister just casually told me that this guy that I have a crush on has a dog. For your information, he's Muslim.

Hmmm... not much to report tonight actually, except that I have found this website where I can play online Mastermind. I'm addicted! Oh, and one thing about me is that I like my meat medium rare.. you know, with blood... Yeah, whenever I see the blood flowing out of the meat, my fangs just tend to itch... scary or what?

Searching

2006-12-03T08:32:00.000+08:00

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel that your heart cant take anymore pain... anymore sorrow.. that one more heartache will kill you?? I've been through those moments.

My sister had told me that the best life lived is a life lived without regrets. No doubt I believe this. But what if you already have regrets? What then? Do you just give up totally? or Do you move on and learn from it?.. This time last year I would've punched you in the face if you said you were going to give up.. But so many things have happened this year that I wouldnt blame you if you did. Because you see, I've partially given up myself.

It's days like these when I feel that life isnt worth living, that I might as well lock myself up i my room never to see the outside world again. The world has many things that can hurt me. I told my sister that there are things in my life that I wished I hadnt done and I'd give anything to erase it from my memory.

Suffice to say, I've loved and lost and now, I'm feeling the afterburn that I wouldnt have felt if I'd listen to myself and not gotten into a relationship so quickly. But the fact of the matter is, that I did and now the memories are haunting me. It keeps me from truly enjoying myself. From being the person I used to be. And I want that person back. The person I was long ago was different. She was confident, she was bold. Now I'm just a shell.

When I think about future relationships, I find it impossible to ever love again. My spirit has been broken. I mean, I have random crushes on strangers but that's all they'll ever be to me, strangers. I no longer have the drive to take a chance and go for it. I've just given up. What's worse is that it's me that I've given up on.

I cant say that I no longer believe in love. Love is far too splendid not to believe in it. Your senses are heightened, your heart is filled with such joy that for the duration of it, you cant believe that you ever lived without it. But when it gets broken, when your love leaves you and finds someone new, it's over and you would give anything to not have to go through it in the first place. It's like getting ultimate happiness only to have it ripped out from your heart. It's probably as subtle as being hit by a truck.

My sister told me that everything that happens in my life is lesson that I must learn and that everything is necessary. I only hope that this will help me in the future, because right now I dont see it. Till then perhaps I'll just hold on for a little bit longer..

Updates

2006-12-02T18:33:00.001+08:00

Many of you might know me from my blog on Friendster. You see, the reason why I had moved my blog was so that I could start fresh, be reborn so to speak and hopefully with this new face.. My true life story can begin.

Since my last entry on Friendster, there hasnt been much that has been happening. I mean, SPM is over ( thank God! ) and I cant wait for the days ahead of me. Okay, so maybe, I havent got much planned out but I'm getting there.

The Bangkok journey is still on. But thanks to my friend, Zunny, it's been somewhat altered. So now it's just me and my mom. Zunny's parents have been invited to this wedding in Singapore so she's heading over there. Leaving me behind.. sniff sniff..

The last two days have been rather interesting for me. The day before yesterday, I spent the night at a hotel with my friend Da and my sister. Just for the fun of it. The hotel was very close to a shopping mall but I didnt spend much of my time there. Da and I watched Red Kebaya late that night and the only people that were with us in the cinema was this other ONE couple. Extraordinarily though, the place was still buzzing with people by the time we finished. Which was roughly around one thirty in the morning. Most of the people there were workers setting up decorations for the Christmas season coming.

The next morning, my sister woke us up at eight thirty in the morning. At that moment, I would've probably choked her to death if she was next to me. Da looked murderous. Unfortunately, the gaze was directed at me. After brunch, Da went to me up with her mom, which left me and my sister alone. W e headed home after trying to coordinate dinner with my other sister, Ayong. She had other plans. Hmph!

Now comes the interesting part..

On the way home, near the bridge that is very very very very close to my house, I saw this awesomely hot bodied dude who had the right kind of 'evil' face that I absolutely love in a guy. I went temporarily insane that I asked my sister to make another round so that I could get a better look at him. Before reaching the guy again, my sister said that she'd pay me $500 to ask him to my prom. I refused. She then tempted me further and said that she'd pay me $1000 to ask the guy out. Call me insane but I didnt ask him. I mean, he's hot and all but what if he was a psycho killer..?? I guess it's one of those memories that you'd think back on and say "What if I'd done it?".. Till then, hey, at least I have an initiative to either start jogging again or drive just to go round the hill.. Maybe if I see him then, I'll have to guts to do it.. It might be the start of something new..

Today, my original plan was to go to the PC fair with my friend Hani, or shall now be further referred to as Honey, but that didnt happen. She was supposed to meet me around one thirty but since her family hadnt gotten home yet she couldnt leave. So yeah, no PC fair for me..

Now I'm leaving for Bangsar to have dinner with Elle and my sister.. I havent gone out with her in ages. Hmmm... Will check in later if anything interesting happens..